Today I am grateful for finally having an overnight visit with Lady Rose.  It’s been far too long since we last had this time with one another and we both look forward to returning to the habit in 2010.

Today I am grateful for being able to share life stories and worries and help one another find inspiration again in the midst of life changes.  We each came out of the visit with ideas for the future and narrowing of focus in terms of books we each hope to write.

Today I am grateful for getting decent sleep two nights in a row.  It’s amazing the difference it makes in terms of how I feel physically and how I cope emotionally.

Today I am grateful for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.  Granted, my employer decided to make it impossible for me to take any additional time off, but I always enjoy being able to fill my table with a feast and spend the day with my family.

Today I am grateful that for the first time in far too long I can trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if I am not able to see it now.  I can have hope that in a few years, or in a decade if need be, that my life will be closer to how I wish it to be.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:gratitude

A childhood friend of mine who I’ve recently reconnected with on Facebook  recently posted a quote. Originally I thought it was something that she herself came up with, but a quick internet search (oh Google how I love thee so) revealed that it was first uttered by Theodore Roosevelt.

Now Teddy I’m sorry, but I added a line (in parentheses) because as I read the quote to myself a few times I kept hearing it spoken in my inner voice (yes I occasionally do in fact listen to the voices in my head) but I wanted to share it here because it is so simple a concept and at once so wise that I felt that I couldn’t possibly be the only person who found meaning in it.

“Do what you can
(when you can)
with what you have
where you are.”

Theodore Roosevelt

See what I mean? Simple on face value, but as you read it a couple of times the meaning, the impact, goes quite a bit deeper.

We can only do what we can.

We are all blessed with gifts and talents that are unique.

We are all beset with pains and limitations that are unique, as well.

No one can give more than 100%.

Can most of us do more to improve ourselves, our lives, our circumstances? Probably.

But, that does not mean looking at our friends, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances, etc. and comparing our abilities and achievements to theirs.  They may have a better support network, more free time, better health, more financial security.  Their priorities are sure to be different, their needs as well.  So trying to compare ourselves to them will never lead to satisfaction and is generally more likely to lead to frustration than inspiration.

Instead, we should spend that energy means looking at our own situation and deciding what can realistically change.

This is not necessarily about letting ourselves off easy, it is more about being forgiving of and gentle with ourselves.  It speaks to giving ourselves the same benefit of the doubt, the same permission to be imperfect, that we would allow a friend, a family member, a loved one of any flavor.

Most of us live to one degree or another on a hamster wheel that requires that we keep pushing ourselves beyond the levels of our endurance of pain and exhaustion and stress.

And yes there are times when there is no choice – in times of true emergency, in times of tragedy – but it shouldn’t be an everyday lifestyle.

Because in running on our hamster wheel we lose sight of beauty, we lose out on small pleasures, we stop finding ways to feed our soul and nurture our dreams.  If we run long enough we wake up one day and find our life is half (or mostly) over and we have forgotten how to truly live.

Give yourself permission to do what matters.

Give yourself permission to be imperfect.

Forgive yourself your weaknesses and recognize your strengths.

Ask the Divine as you see it to bless you with

serenity to accept what can’t be changed

courage to change what can

and the wisdom to truly know the difference

Reinhold Niebuhr

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:inspiration, quotation, quote

It has been a busy week.  I got very little accomplished, but I can tell you there was very little in the way of true down time.

I started my holiday shopping thanks to amazon and etsy.  The Elder will have a focus on art (as always) and makeup.  The Younger will have a focus on science and American Girl.  Both will receive clothes and cute accessories and odds are a WII as a joint gift.  What I lack in funds I try to make up in WOW factor.

Miss Artistic is still having issues with failure to do homework, various emotional outbursts, and depression/ADHD/oppositional defiant related concerns.  The last couple of years have been a bumpy ride and unfortunately there does not yet seem to be a true light at the end of the tunnel.  Every time I think I spy one, it turns out to be an oncoming car or train.  All I can say is that we are working on it and hoping that things start to get better soon.

Princess Nibbles would like to now be known as Princess Nature as her hope is to grow up, get her doctorate in some kind of science, and work to save the planet.  She is not quite as sunshiny happy as she once was.  The stress associated with the aforementioned sister is part of it, frazzled parents plays a role as well, a busy schedule (reg school, gifted program, Tae Kwon Do, & band) probably factors in, but it is also the emergence of the hormone fairy who has been busy at work beginning the change of little girl to young woman.

Gamer Dude’s chronic pain doesn’t change except in the sense of different levels of pain based on activity levels and weather.  We are trying to avoid doing anything more invasive for as long as possible, but that can only last so long as he is frankly miserable more often than not.  We are hoping that losing weight and building some core strength will help, but odds are we are looking at a spinal cord stimulator being implanted sometime in the next year or two.

As for me?  I’m still pretty miserable most of the time.  I don’t feel well, I don’t sleep well, and I still don’t really like my own company very much.  But, I’m working on that too.

Work takes a lot out of me.  On a good day telemarketing is stressful and emotionally exhausting and good days are a rare commodity.  I am slowly settling in back at my old department since the demise of the “new” department I was transferred to for a few months.

Unfortunately, I still hate my job and nothing is going to change that except to get out of Dodge as soon as possible.  To that end I am planning on working up a resume after the holidays and getting my butt out there to start interviewing.  The hard part is going to be coordinating interviews when I work for a company that does not provide paid time off and requires scheduled hours to be “made up” when someone calls out sick.

But, I work half days on Fridays, so hopefully I will be able to figure something out.

In other news I have confirmed that Hubby & I will both be enrolling in the girls’ Tae Kwon Do school.  With the group discount my tuition will run $89 a month and Gamer Dude’s will be free.  So for $around $22 a week we can each take 2 classes and hopefully move toward losing weight, lowering pain levels, and increasing energy levels.  If nothing else it will force us to create endorphins and to socialize and perhaps that will help with our own individual issues with depression and my sleep issues.

We won’t be starting until after the holidays.  But, I’m actually looking forward to trying something totally new.  Time will tell if my body will actually handle the punishment.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

PS Lady Rose is coming up for a too long delayed and much anticipated visit tomorrow.  It will be great to see her and chat and hang and simply be in the same room as my dearest friend and priestess.

Written by Mama KellyTags:family, life, update

For the past week I’ve been doing a bit of experimenting with a pendulum. The pendulum I am using was a gift from Mama Kelly. It is a lovely orb of amethyst hanging from a delicate chain.

I would never use the pendulum to make big decisions, nor would I use whatever response I get from a pendulum or any other divination tool as the final, absolute answser to a question. But it is a useful tool and the simple yes-no answers can be part of all the overall considerations and infomration that go into making a decision or choice.  I use it as a tool to get in touch with my subconscious and\or higher self.

Since it was recently my birthday (turned 54 on Oct. 30th) I have been once again thinking about what direction my life should go and what I should focus on. I have many interests and tons of ideas, but that often means I bounce from one thing to the next, leaving a lot projects unfinished and never starting others, and not focusing on completing or accomplishing bigger goals.

I decided to use the pendulum as a tool for some insight into where I should focus my time and energy. I cut up some paper into several pieces that were all the same size. On each piece I wrote a different interest that I have often thought about pursuing, (i.e. writing a book, various crafts, classes to take, etc.) and folder the pieces in half. One at time, I held the pendulum over each piece – if the pendulum swung side-to-side (for me that meant – no) I put that piece of paper in a pile to my right; if the pendulum swung in a clockwise circle (for me that meant – yes) I put that piece of paper to my left. All together I have about 20 pieces of paper; only three were a yes (write a book about being a witch; take an introductory class in Qi Gong; and blogging on Diet Pulpit and here at 2 Witches).

Reviewing all the choices one at time, I examined my “gut” reaction to not focusing too much time and energy as I thought about each one.  The three choices selected using the pendulum are the ones that I have been working toward the longest and seem to be the ones that I am most deeply connected to.

A couple of days later I decided to use the pendulum again to narrow down some choices – this time to select a working title for a book on being witch.  By selecting a working title, I feel it will give a “direction” and “focus” to getting started with writing.   I again took several small pieces of paper with a single potential title on each and this time the pendulum only swung yes for one of them (”Out of the Broom Closet – the confessions of a witch”). 

So for now, I plan on focusing on jotting down some ideas and notes as the inspiration comes, looking for a Qi Gong introductory class, and of course writing on both blogs.   As far as my other interests, I will still dabble a bit with various crafts and interests, but the main focus of time and energy for now will be on blog writing,  ideas for the book and my health (Qi Gong).  I will re-evaluate things in a few a months if I feel I need to move in a different direction.  Whether the book is ever finished or actually ever gets published is not  necessarily the goal – the process of writing is an excellant method of self-exploration and self-awareness.  Also, whatever I do get written and organized will be useful if I decide to lecture again, and also for blogging about.

Have you ever worked with a pendulum?  What sorts of questions do you use a pendulum for?  

Bright Blessings, Lady Rose

**** Be sure to enter our CONTEST – Enter To Win 2010 Seasons of the Witch Calendar ****

*******************************

Brief Overview Of Pendulum Divination:

A pendulum consists of a weight, or bob, which hangs freely from a chain or string, with an optional loop or small handle at the upper end. Depending on one’s belief system, the answers come from the subconcious, or intuition or the Higher Self, or Guadian Spirits or Angels, or other Spirits. Since the pendulum, like any other divination tool may be influenced by lower spirits (who may lie, misdirect, and try to cause harm), it wise to take precautions and take the advice with a grain of salt the same way you would use your common sense and good judgment when accepting advice from any one.

Preparation:

The pendulum should be blessed before using it for the first time to decrease the influence of any lower spirits influencing the outcome. Chose a blessing that suits your belief system and that you are comfortable with. Include a statement or prayer of intent that only higher beings (or Angels, Guaurdians or whomever you wish to contact) may influence the pendulum. Two simple purification and blessing technigues are smudging (passing the pendulum through the smoke of a cleansing and\or blessing incense), and\or sprinkling the pendulum with blessed water. The pendulum may also be purified after each session to remove any residue that may have been left behind so that it does not influence the next session.  Another option is cleanse and bless the pendulum at least once a month.  It also recommended to begin each session with a prayer or visualization (i.e. a circle of white protective light around you and the your area) and to end each session with a prayer or blessing of thanks to your Higher Self, Guardian Spirits and\or Angels (this can be done silently or spoken aloud).

How To Use The Pendulum:

Hold the top end or handle of the string\chain of the pendulum loosely between the thumb and first finger. If using circle diagram with “yes” written top & bottom and “no” written on either side, the pendulum bob should be held approximately 1 inch above the paper.  If using a pendulum without the diagram, just specify (or let the pendulum specify) which direction means yes and no.   To let the pendulum specify what direction is yes and no,  ask at the beginning of eash session for it to show you, saying “show me yes,” and “show me no.”   What works for me using my personal pendulum that I’ve used several times before, once the direction is established, is to continue to use that for each session, and also have it stop in the center and stay still if the question is not answerable or unsure.

It is recommended (especially when first learning to work with a pendulum) to begin each session asking if the pendulum wishes to work with you today.  Also asking a few trial questions may also be useful (such as Is my name George?).

As with any divination method, it a good idea to use it only when you are in a calm and centered state of mind and feeling well physically and emotionally.

Phrasing A Question

When asking a question using a pendulum, the question needs to be something simple that can be answered with a yes or no.  A pendulum can be used to answer questions about past and future or in making a choice between options, and some use them as a tool to speak with spirits.  It is also important to be as specific as possible.  For example, asking “will it rain tomorrow where we are going?,” is better than asking “will it rain?”

If the pendulum starts swinging in random directions or feels uncoorperative, or you start to feel uncomfortable in any way, or your intuition says it’s time to stop, then end the session.

Pendulum Divination – nice overview of history and use of the pendulum.

Written by Lady RoseTags:divindation, pendulum

I am happy to announce that Two Witches Blog is holding a contest – just in time for Yule.  The prize is a 2010 Seasons of the Witch Calendar (spiral bound), and a small surprise gift from the South Jersey Pagan Pride event that I attended last month. It is just a small way to say thank you to all our readers and let you know we truly do appreicate you.

To Enter: leave a comment on this post (1 comment per person), and for an extra 5 entries, write a post about 2 Witches Blog  (a brief review and\or mention the contest) on your blog with a link back to us (http://2witches.com/blog/); please remember to leave a link to your post in your comments so I can record your entra entries. 

Deadline:  Dec. 17  (winner will be selected Dec. 18 and an email sent out for shipping info.).

I want be able to mail the calendar to the winner in plentry of time so that it arrives before the end of the year (and since I will use priority mail) it may even arrive before Christmas).

The Seasons of the Witch Calendar is really beautiful.  I had one a couple of years ago and got another one for myself for 2010.    Each of the 12 monthly tabs has a  goddess collection  print with reference notes on reverse side.  It is printed in a one page per day format (including Saturday and Sunday) and “features major & minor PowerCasting™ opportunities for spells, sabbats, esbats, noteworthy events, lunar astrology, moon void-of-course, Mercury Retrograde, 7th House 13-Month Witches Calendar, Secular (bank) holidays. Every month begins with a month-at-a-glance spread with waxing moon days shaded yellow.”  

Good luck and bright blessings everyone,  Lady Rose

Written by Lady RoseTags:contest, witch calendar

Some of it is the depression that I’ve spoken of far too often.

Some of it is stress and fatigue related to poor sleep and a crappy job.

Most of it is simply a matter of being busy.  Keeping the kids shuttled to 3 classes a week at the Tae Kwon Do school, keeping up with various age levels of homework and projects, working, cooking, and the beginnings of holiday shopping.

I find that when the time comes to sit down and blog that I have very little to say.  I even missed yesterday’s blogging of my blessings, for which I feel incredibly guilty.

That being said, I have to realize that one can only pump so much out of a well that has lost its source of fresh water.  While I have no intention of giving up on the blog, I also have to accept the fact that I will probably continue to have very little to say until I start filling myself up again.

That means making my own health and happiness a priority.

I’m not particularly good at that.

But, I have 20 lbs to lose to get back to where I was only a few short months ago, and then even more to lose to get down to a healthy weight.  To this end my Yule gift to myself this year will be enrolling in the girls’ Tae Kwon Do school.  The classes they go to are Teen/Adult and I sit in the back and watch them.  For the same lost time (and a bit more money) I can get a work out myself, get fit and lose weight.

I am going to make an effort to journal again – with real pen & paper – so that I can get my griping out and make room for the whispers of inspiration.  I am going to make use of prompts to battle the fear of the blank page and I am going to take out my Tarot cards more often to tune in to Spirit.

I am, come hell or high water, going to start working on the book I dream of writing.  I am going to figure out a schedule that will allow me specific blocks of time (even if I have to start with 30 minutes an evening) where I can start to compile notes into some type of cohesive format.

I believe that by giving myself permission to do things I enjoy, that by feeding my health in body, mind, & spirit, that by making room in my days & weeks for study & faith, that I will find that the well will once again be full of sweet water and that I will be able to quench my thirst, ease my weariness and find my voice again.

In the meantime …

This week I am grateful for the continuing ability to feed my family.

This week I am grateful to not be on the unemployment line.

This week I am grateful for having the money to begin my holiday shopping.

This week I am grateful to be almost over a wicked sinus infection.

This week I am grateful for the approach of Winter and the time it brings to look within.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, life, writers block

This will probably be a little hard to follow so bear with me.

The past few months I’ve been stressed beyond my max, more so than I have even blogged about.  I haven’t really been sleeping.  I’ve been emotional eating like mad, gaining about 20 lbs since August.  I’ve been irritable and anxious and sad and just not fun to be around.  I haven’t even been enjoying my own company.

Some of it came form the normal stresses associated with finances, and a teenager with emotional issues, and too close living quarters, and living with my father – in other words the usual stuff.  But, the bulk of it came from being shifted into a new department at my place of work.

Now, I work in a place that is appropriately nicknamed (at least in my house) as Hell.  As I have ranted about before I get no sick time, no vacation, no benefits to speak of and am regularly treated like shit stuck to someone’s shoe, if not by the people on the phone then by management itself.

The new department I was moved to “seemed” to be an answer to a prayer in the beginning.  There was commission.  We were pretty much left alone.  Numbers were good, so no one was complaining.  The extra money was nice.  I was still crazy, but my paycheck somewhat more closely resembled a livable wage and at least that was something in the way of compensation for my increasing emotional instability.  But, more recently things went downhill.

First commission was cut in half.  Then limits were put on how many “sales” per household.  Then, the results started to drop rapidly.

This past Monday I left work with only 3 sales (it earned me a whopping $10 extra in commission for the day),  a far cry from the 6 or 7 I was able to pull off per day (and an extra $50 or so) just a couple of weeks prior.  My frustration was exacerbated by some sniping from my manager when I asked for suggestions and support.

I left emotionally spent, angry, and a bit overwrought.  As I drove home I started to cry and asked the Gods to please. please get me out of that department.

Tuesday came and I worked hard at being peppier and cheerier only to get hang up after hang up and 1 sale all day for my trouble.  At 4pm our manager came over, told us to sign off, and announced that effective immediately our new department (only in existence since August) was dead and we were reassigned to other departments as of the following morning.

I was lucky in that I went back to my original department (others were moved into departments they might not have chosen otherwise).  Yes, it would’ve been nice to go into another commission based department (because now I’ve effectively lost about $4000 a year).  But, at least I am where I have consistently done well, where I have friends, where I know what to do and how to do it.  But, what worries me is that on top of having lost my commission, I may be at risk for a pay cut too.

Hourly wage where I work is based on a chart that is based on performance, a chart mind you that has never been adjusted for either inflation or the impact of the “do not call list” on our companies ability to produce said numbers. This pay scale is the same it was when I was hired 8 years ago.

It is based on a numeric formula of how many people show up (for these free chiropractic appointments we schedule all over the US) per every 4 hours you work.  That’s it.  Not how hard you work, not how reliable you are, not how long you have been there, or if you are cross-trained on multiple tasks.  Raises are only granted based on the chart, but can be denied at whim.  No one is given an annual review, never mind a cost of living increase, even as our health insurance premiums go up another 7.5% effective 12/1.

My hourly wage is based on my ability to “hold” a certain statistical average if you will.  Unfortunately, even though I didn’t leave the company, even though I was asked to move to this new department start-up, even though I was only gone a few months, I am being forced to start over with my stats like a new hire and “prove myself.”  The other tasks I am cross-trained for, one of which I used to be a team lead for and ran a Sunday shift for, I am disallowed until I “earn them back.”

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be that worried.  My stats had kept me in the “top 10″ in the department for over a year before I was moved.  But, historically this time of year is the positively worst time to try to build up your stats.  In fact, this time of year (between now and after New Year’s) is when stats have always been historically low.  And this time last year (yes right before the holidays) they were cutting pay.

And so I kill myself to be perky and professional and rebuttal my ass off and so far its working.  Its emotionally exhausting, but its working.  Tomorrow is a half day and then I am back to 39 hours a week cold calling.

Timed the way it has been I cannot help but look at this move as an answer to a prayer.  I am trying to trust that all will be well and that it will work out in the end, but it’s hard.

And so I return you a quieter than usual blog.  Although after this rant you’ll probably enjoy the alternative.  I beg your patience as I find my groove again at work.  I beg your patience while I work through ever increasing levels of anxiety and depression.  I beg your patience while I try to find solid footing which will allow me to make this blog a priority again in my life.

We will be back to your regularly scheduled pagan friendly programming eventually.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, job, work

This coming week is particularly busy and Miss Artistic’s depression issues are in a spike again. Unfortunately my time and energies over the next couple of days need to be focused elsewhere.

Needless to say I will be back soon.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly

“How long til my soul gets it right”

“Galileo”, The Indigo Girls

The disquiet and disatisfaction I’ve been feeling for the past few years is resurfacing again.  That in of itself is not much of a surprise.

When you do nothing to change a situation, out of depression or lack of choices or simply a sense of hopelessness, and squash your emotions relating to that situation into a little ball and swallow them, you cannot be surprised when those same feelings are regurgitated from time to time.

I’m unhappy at work.  I’m unhappy with many aspects of my home life. I’m unhappy with who I’ve become, or more accurately I’m unhappy with how far away I am from the path I was once on.  Unfortunately the problem, the stumbling block if you will, seems to be that I have no idea how to place myself back on that path.

I keep revisiting this topic here at 2 Witches, often enough that I am beginning to bore myself. I apologize for that.  Unfortunately, there are not that many avenues open to me to discuss this the way I need to, to vent if you will hoping that in that eruption of ideas and emotions that I will stumble upon something, some small nugget that will lead me “home.”

Home, in the sense of being where I belong, my feet firmly on some path, my head and heart in line with my spirit.

Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out anything.

I know that I need companionship.

I know that I need time to myself.

I know that I need access to activities that feed my soul.

I know that I need some means of escape (from time to time, not permanently) from the seeming endless stream of stress and anxiety and depression triggers that come from my workplace, from problems at home, from friction between my father and myself.

What I fail to see is how to manage it, how to fit it in.

And yes this post is little more than a long and drawn out whine (I hope you have some nice cheese & crackers to go along with it).   Maybe I’m just trying to shake myself out of sleepwalking through my life. Because, Gods know, that it has to stop.

I keep meaning to take a step back into ritual,toward honoring the Esbats and keeping the Sabbats.  With each passing month I skip it again due to lack of time or space or privacy.  But, those are just excuses.  The reality my heart just isn’t in it. I’m sad, and lonely. I’m soul-sick.

I have also mean to take a step back into spellwork.  I have planned more spells than I can count and backed out at the last minute because of, well frankly fear of the fallout, the unseen potentials that are opened (unleashed) when one sends energy out into the web of life.

And so I sit here struck again by the realization that I feel the same way that I’ve felt for the past 3 years.  That despite days or even weeks when things are “better”, when I manage a glimmer of joy as opposed to just survival, that I keep returning to this dark night of the soul.  I come to understand that some of my desire for a coven to belong to again is not just for the company and companionship for for the ability to have someplace to so “when (I am) so spiritually exhausted that (I) need to let somewhere else and someone else fill (me) back up”

Does that represent a personal failing on my part? Maybe.

Does that represent a basic human need, to be healed? I think so.

May I be healed! May you be healed! May we all be healed!

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression

Today I am grateful for a short week at school for Princess Nibbles which allowed her to only miss 2 days of school instead of 5 as she has had a nasty chest cold since last weekend.

Today I am grateful for a Dr. willing to call in prescriptions for me on Friday when I came down with one of my sinus infections/bronchitis episodes as he wouldn’t be able to see me until Tuesday.

Today I am grateful for being able to afford to take Friday off.  Granted, I’ll still feel the pinch come payday, but losing the pay doesn’t drive me to a state of panic as it would’ve just a couple of months ago.

Today I am grateful for a weekend spent resting and napping and forcing fluids so that tomorrow morning I should be up to going back to work (even if I’m unsure about making it all day).

Today I am grateful for a hubby who, while suffering a touch of this bug himself, was willing to run out for Chinese food & do the food shopping & take care of most things that needed to be done to allow aforementioned rest.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:gratitude