Well my laptop STILL doesn’t connect to our internet router.  And I wish I could lay the blame for my silence on that fact alone.  In part, it IS due to not having my laptop.  But mainly it is because I can’t seem to find my way out of the abyss I wrote about falling into recently.

Hubby and Lady Rose are encouraging me to go to the Doctor and I’m not entirely sure why I am so resistant.  Now granted I have let a number of things slide so I have to confront more issues than merely depression when I go. 

I have to go back to my GYN and confront the fact that I am still having symptoms of endometriosis despite having a hysterectomy (heck according to bloodwork I am still ovulating despite him removing my ovaries).  I have to ask about recent pain on a breast which has a visable neurofibromatosis related tumor (the tumor isn’t new but the pain is).  I have to deal with worsening bowel issues (most likely due to adhesions that were not dealt with during my hyst and those that formed as a result of surgery) and the fun tests that will be the result of my mentioning them.

These “complaints” are combined with my usual issues realted to the stresses of marriage and kids, a hubby on disability, living with my father (and dealing with what at times crosses the line into emotional abuse), and so on and so on.

Logically I know I should be grateful for all that is RIGHT in my life.  But emotionally right now?  I seem to be unable to do that.  All I seem to want to do is run and hide, pull covers over my head, stick fingers in my ears, and pretend none of it is really happening.

Anyway ….

I hope to have my internet access back soon (parts are on their way) and hopefully I can shake off enough of this apathy to get back to writing and updating by then.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression

It was so great having Mama Kelly over to my house for a sleepover visit.   We always have a lot of fun on our visits.

This weekend we each did a reading with one of Mama Kelly’s tarot decks (I’ll be posting about that later on), got to taste a lot of interesting things I had for our diet (a variety of sauces, sample packets of nutritional mixes, and zero calorie pasta) which we will be posting our reviews about over on my other blog (Diet Pulpit), and even got in a little shopping — Fashion Bug was having a 40% off sale and Mama Kelly wanted to check it out and we decided to go together to the one near my house.   She had gotten a very cool shirt at the one near her house last week that she was wearing (orange with the saying “Life’s a Witch” and a broom done in small rivets) — so of course I just had to have one too   hehehehe.  We also stopped at the craft store and each got a cute Halloween lawn sign posts, stained glass like coloring books and colored pencils (mine is a book with wizards and dragons which will be great to hang up for the Harry Potter party next May).   My daughter had fun too and picked up a few little things.

We got to go over my plans for the Harry Potter party and Mama Kelly helped me make some final choices about what to do for each class and the activities.  We also got to plan for her daughter’s 12th birthday this Decemer, and the theme we came up with is so awesome I can’t wait and it will be so much fun to help out with too.  But I’ll let her post about it, she has some very creative and fun ideas.

The weather Sat. and Sun. was a little rainy and I just laughed because I felt like it was the universe’s way of affirming our decision to NOT have the yard sale we had planned.  I can’t imagine how we would have felt if we had forced our selves to exhaustion and tried to have the yard sale and then it rained!   This way it all worked out for the best.  We got to relax, have fun, and renew our emotional, mental and spiritual batteries a bit.

Next visit I’ll be going to her house the first weekend of Nov. – it’s a long break between visits but Oct is a busy month since the third weekend my daughter has a karate tournament in the Pocanos and the fourth weekend is Halloween and my birthday.     In the meantime we have our plans to make for parites, the holidays to start preparing for, and the positive steps we are making on the road to making our life’s better, and we will keep in touch with emails.

Bright Blessings, Lady Rose

Written by Lady RoseTags:fun, halloween

Happy Fall Equinox to all – hard to believe Fall has officially begun (as of yesterday).  It’s been sort of a dry spell for writing for me.

Mama Kelly and I are scheduled for our monthly get together this weekend – I’m very excited.  She is coming to my house for a change.   Hubby is going to roast a nice chicken for Saturday night’s dinner and I bought 5 or 6 different sauces for us to try from Healthy Heart Market.

We both decided to NOT do the yard sale we had planned.  Physcially we are just not up to it, and I’m glad we are not pushing ourselves and causing tons of pain and misery for a few pennies.   Perhaps we are growing up (perish the thought!  hehehe).   My back up plan is to continue sorting but with more being tossed out, the rest being donated, sold through ebay consignment shop, and perhaps a few mystery boxes on ebay that I might put up for sale.

The reason I don’t do my own ebay is because I don’t know how to use the digital camera I got for xmas last year – hubby promised to figure it out and show me, but that didn’t happen and probably never will – so to get rid of stuff that is new or barely used and might be worth selling I’d rather at least get it out of the house and let an ebay consignment deal with it.

Progress is being made on the Harry Potter party plans – I have a few signs for shops on Diagon Alley designed, printed out the house shields on labels to be used as name tags, and made a finalized list of what to do for the 9 classes, and a final order placed with Oriental Trading for items needed.

This weekend will get the cauldron stirring, Mama Kelly and I always get a burst of inspiration when we spend time together so hopefully we’ll post a bit more frequently over the next couple of days.

Wishing everyone a bountiful harvest,  Lady Rose

Written by Lady RoseTags:family, home, life

Life has been fairly steady and calm (ducks in case anvil falls) – which is very pleasant for a change from the usual choas and stressed.  Work of course is the pits, but hey I only have 9 more years (approx) before I can retire.  

I have been focusing on my diet and healthy eating plan.  And spending a lot of working on the Harry Potter party for my daughter next May – so far I have the book finished – it’s a book of cool stuff I put together so the kids can buy a “magical” book at the Diagon Alley shop I plan to set up.  The book is 42 pages (will be 21 back to back) with lots of free clip art, info. on 9 different classes, Harry Potter trivia, recipes, etc.    I’m also going to have 9 classes for all the kids (22 on the guest list so far) and have about 6 planned, but need to tweak the others.  The menu is about 75% planned and the decorations are about 90% planned – though I do have to purchase a few more things I want (like the stone looking gossemer for the dining walls and the 16″ inch owl to put on the mailbox).

Mama Kelly and I decided to just visit this weekend, rather then over extend our selves into exhaustion trying to get a yard sale together.  I’m very glad we both decided on no yard sale.   For years I have held on to stuff in order to get pennies for it at some future yard sale — and I am finally ready to say my time is more valuable then that and go on to plan B which is to toss (a lot), donate (a lot), and take anything else to an ebay consignment store (because I have been saying I want to do ebay forever, but never do) – so its time to face reality and move on — my time, my energy, and my home being organized is FAR more valuable then a the tiny bit of money that might be generated from hours and hours of exhuasting work to pull off a yard sale (with no guarantee that stuff would sell any way).   

There are so many projects I want to be working on (like getting all my photos in albums) - that I put off for so long because I felt I should do the yard sale and other chores first but they never got done.  Well from now on I am going to simplify my life and put my energy and time into the things I enjoy – I don’t need to be super organized, but I do need to at least be able to find things that I need and get to stuff that is stored without having to move a mountain first to reach it.

Focusing on what I enjoy for the past week or so has been very nice.  And I don’t even feel guilty about it. 

Lady Rose

Written by Lady RoseTags:health, life, organizing

For the past couple of years we’ve noticed that my dad seems to be taking care of tying up “loose ends” in his life.  He’s doing work around the house and property that had been put on hold when my mom originally got sick 10 years ago this month.

Our ancient wood-framed inground pool had collapsed and for years it only served the purpose of being a wildlife sanctuary.  Now that its been filled in we think that a couple of generations of chipmunks are now homeless (or living in the garage we’re not sure which).

The driveway is being repoured.  Trees are being planted.  Furniture with worn coverings are being re-upholstered.

Some of it seems to be related to him spending the money while he has it.  He was recently forced into retirement.  But after last night Hubby & I wonder if he isn’t actually “cleaning up” in preparation of his eventual demise.  My dad is not the healthiest person, having Rheumatoid arthriits, Heart disease, and other ailments/conditions.  He has a large and all too frequent family history of cancer and all too infrequent history of longevity.  He, and his cousins who are all around the same age, are now the “elders of the family” in their mid to late 60s.  And, as he’s always reminding me, he’s going to die “soon”.  Yup, he’s a cheery up-beat kinda guy.

Anyhow, my dad recently paid someone to have old family movies (8mm/10mm? film) moved onto DVD.  I wish he had paid extra for editing because footage was out of sequence and there are always those moments where someone is taking inadvertant shots of walls, sidewalk, etc.  But, he didn’t.  He told us Thursday night that it was ready and all 5 of us sat down last night and watched part of it last night.

It was odd.  I don’t know that I have ever seen any of this footage prior to last night.

While we didn’t finish the disk — we only watched about 45 minutes of it — we watched footage of a few vacations my parents took prior to becomming parents, watched parts of my parents’ engagement party, etc.

A lot of it was boring, even my dad said so, because there were more scenery shots than people shots on certain reels.  But clips of Paramount Studios and the New York World’s Fair held my interest even now over 40 years later

Watching myself at the age of 18 months, or so, was definately strange.  Mainly because it was like looking at footage of my youngest child.  By the way, both kids told me I was cute. (yea me! LOL)

Seeing everyone in the family approximately 35-45 years younger was both funny and strange. 

The clothes, the hairdos, how EVERYONE smoked, seeing some of my father’s younger cousins, who I’ve only known as teenagers or as adults, as young children, watching my parents get all smoochy at their engagement party.

It was good to watch my mother young and happy and at many moments obviously glowing.  After having lived with my dad for so many years now I have much more understanding of what she dealt with day to day.  If nothing else it was clear that his inability to be emotionally demonstrative was present even then.

What I came away with the most though was sadness.  Most of the people in the footage are dead.  Both sets of my grandparents, my mom, various aunts and uncles. 

As I said in my previous post, this time of year triggers a lot of bad memories.  I can’t help but remember my mom getting sick, getting her diagnosis, and the year of hell that followed.  Watching last night’s DVD reminded me also of how many people our family (and I guess ANY family) has lost in the past 20 years and it just makes me very sad.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:family, memories

It never ceases to amaze me how Lady Rose and I tend to follow the same cycles, even when we aren’t in direct contact.  As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts I have been on antidepressants for quite some time and I recently weaned myself off of them.  Why?  Lots of reasons.  But, feeling good wasn’t one of them.

So the last 2 weeks or so I’ve been gradually falling deeper and deeper into the abyss.  I really have to decorate it one of these days since I keep coming back.

One of the things I’ve noticed is I get teary a lot.  And as a result of odd stimuli.  Like watching the animated movie The Incredibles … I kept getting all misty.  Hubby says that I should just go with it.  Let it out.  But, while I’m good at getting misty and teary at movies, books, etc. I am not especially good at breaking down and crying about my life.

I agree with Lady Rose in her assumption that summer ending is probably a trigger.  She and I each had set several goals for ourselves.  And, like her, I am not satified with my progress.

I have gotten some things done.  I managed to lose a measly 5 lbs. of the 100 I need to lose.  But mostly things are as they were back in June.   Once again I set goals that I haven;t reached.

Also, for me, October is a rough rough month emotionally.

10 years ago I did a Tarot Spread to “predict” my mother’s death.  Yeah, I know, morbid.  She had pancreatic cancer.  A cure was never going to happen.  I wanted to be prepared.  The cards indicated that October and November of the following year were going to be very bad for me. 

Oct 1 my mom went back into the hospital and we knew the end was coming.  On Oct 5 it was determined that I had had a missed miscarriage and required a D&C.  On Oct 30, after approximately a week of in-home hospice care my mother died while I held her hand.  The next few days were taken up with the wake and funeral and that took us into November.

My husband tells me it was almost a year before I was “myself” again”

On the 2 year anniversary of our miscarriage we drove to the hospital in labor with a much wanted 2nd child.  While the eventual outcome was a good one, it was very stressful as I was 5 weeks early, had been dealing with preterm labor for almost a month, and had a placental abruption.  We came very very close to losing my daughter (she was born with an intitial APGAR score of 1) but an 8 day NICU stay ended with us bringing home a healthy baby girl.

For a year I was again “not myself” though this time it was more akin to PTSD ….

And every October brings it back a little.

Even my daughter’s Bday doesn’t help

Even Halloween doesn’t help.

I basically close my eyes and put one foot in front of the other and tell hubby to wake me up in November.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:memories, personal

This time with the depression I’m not trying to get myself to “feel” better — I’m trying to just go with it and being gentle with myself.  I am trying to just accept that “feelings” ebb and flow, and that actually not being happy is just a normal state of being.  It seems to be helping to keep the depression at a steady level, rather then fighting it and getting worse because I feel guilty and stressed cause I can’t “feel better” for right now. 

Yesterday school started, only a half day (till 1:15) and the before and after school care program didn’t start on the first day – so rather then stress about it and try to cram in about 3 hours at work I decided to take the whole day off and just relax so I could take my daughter in after a nice lesiurely morning start and she had the afternoon to come home and enjoy with me.  I watched a ton of tv and ate what ever I wanted.  It was the first time I’ve been off my diet — but I decided to not beat myself over it, but give myself permission to have one day off and enjoy it (and today I’m back on track). 

I think I have a better handle on the depression now and what set it off - I think it’s mostly coming from feeling like a failure - now that summer is over and I didn’t get anything done that was on my list.  Plus the looming holidays coming up.  But I’m making my lists of things to do and reassuring myself I can still get a lot done and trying not to over stress myself my making unrealistic plans and time frames. 

Fall is always a rough emotional time for me — in the past I usually go off on crazy huge projects that go no where and waste a lot of money.   But the past couple years I have been able to keep things fairly small scale and this year I am NOT going to do anything – NO big projects at all - I plan on just focusing on the Harry Potter party next year (in May) and keeping a notebook of all my diet notes, recipes, ets. so that I keep busy without trying to find something NEW and exciting to accomplish with my life that never works out and gets dumped in the big pile of junk from past failures.

I did have one impluse buy on ebay — only $6.50 for sewing patterns to make dragons.  I thought ooooh cool — these would be great to make and sell at the Renaissance fairs, and would only need to carry big baskets (wouldn’t even need the cost of a booth).  Of course I don’t sew.  But Mama Kelly is planning to learn to sew, so even if I never use the patterns I am hoping it might be something she would enjoy trying out.

I also have a HUGE urge to get a psychic reading done by Slyvia Browne.  I saw her yesterday on the Montel show — but its extremely expensive ($750).  Who knows if she is actually legitmate – but she only allows ONE reading per person so that no one gets dependant on readings which I think is terrific.   I guess I feel that if I can finally find out what I was meant to do with my life I wouldn’t have these bouts of depression and wouldn’t feel like I’m a failure and haven’t accomplished anything yet because I’m still trying to find my “destiny.”   I just can’t see myself justifying that kind of money though – but it is very very very tempting – I know, however, the temptation is mostly coming from my depression right now so it is definitely not something I would actually do.

Bright blessings, Lady Rose

Written by Lady RoseTags:depression, stress

At least its a four day week, but I’m dreading it.  Don’t know why – it’s only the start of school tomorrow (my daughter will be in the office with me today since hubby has to be at his school today even though the students don’t start till tomorrow), and its back to work every day after having a vacation and long weekend off, and it’s almost fall (the chill in the air at night let’s me know fall is already knocking on the door) which is always a really bad depression time for me.  Times like this the daily grind and hectic schedule wear me down and I just feel like crying all the time – which is silly because my life isn’t that bad – it’s actually pretty good.  I just have this warped inner desire to want more or something that I just don’t understand and the depression is enough to drag me into a black hole that most times I don’t feel like I have the strength to bother crawling back out of.

This downward spiral of depression seems to be starting from my longing for a “soul nourishing project or hobby or job or something.”  I have longed all my life to do something that I felt was my “thing” – my destiny or whatever – something meaningful – which is so a bunch of crap, life just isn’t like that.  

I have failed at everything I tried – even massage therapy – which was the joy of my life at the time I got the opportunity to go to school for it, but it too was a flop.  Over ten years ago, I spent a year and over $5,000 getting certified, everyone says I’m the best – but I could never get any clients.  Sure every one I knew would love my massages, but I could never get any steady clients.   Now, even with a spare room (which I did fix up two years ago to do massage in and try again) has been taken over with boxes again and besides the laws of the township I’m in scare me to much to ever try massage at home – there can be no door on the room for one thing.  Plus all the liability and cost of yearly classes and testing to stay certified – doing massage part time I would have a hard time earning enough to even pay for the cost of insurance, classes and testing.  

I’ve thought of going back to school for something – like social work or counseling.  But the cost and time is just too much.  And the job I could get would pay half or less of what I make now and be for some government office (eeeeew!) and require 24/7 hours that just isn’t worth it, nor am I physically up to it.   What I had wanted back in my younger days when I graduated high school was to some day have my own practice and help people – but circumstances 30 years ago prevented me from finishing school then and by the time I managed to later get my degree (in General Liberal Studies) by going to night school for 11 years I couldn’t afford to work for pennies and life had already burned me out emotionally any way.

Being a witch and priestess used to be my thing and fed my soul through my 20 and mid-30’s, but there is so much emotional pain tied up in all that too – I want to rediscover my spiritual side and bring the Goddess back into my life on a personal level as a solitary (and with my friend Mama Kelly) but I know I will never  have a circle again.  I’ve changed to much and my spiritual beliefs too personal to be something I want to share with a room full of strangers. 

I would love to find something that hubby and I could enjoy and work together to achieve.  But in all the years we’ve been together – it just hasn’t happened.  We had a blast working on our wedding together – it was awesome, we had it on stage in the theater of the University where we met, with friends performing music and theater skits that we wrote.  We worked together for over a year and a half to adopt our daughter, Angelgirl - which took every ounce of time and energy and we are totally devoted to her.  Raising her is the one thing we do extremely well together – she is the light of our universe.    Every fiber in my being wants to make sure her life is joyful and healthy, that she gets to go to college and become what ever she wants to be.

That should be enough for me.  I have a wonderful daughter, a nice home, a decent job, and I know hubby loves me.   So why do I get these awful bouts of depression that just want to make me crawl in a hole and feel like my life is a waste and empty. 

I find myself day dreaming about cuddling and laughter and silly romantic crap.  I’m way to old for that nonense.  I know hubby loves me and that should be enough.  I love him too.  After 15 years of marriage, we’re comfortable together and we have a good life – so I don’t know what my problem is.

My job is just a job – nobody likes their job (well very few people do) - it pays for our home and a few nice things and though it’s not enough to guarantee my daughter will get to college I can at least try or second mortgage our home — so why do I dread it so much and get so stressed out by it - it’s necessary and I need to just get over this nonsense of feeling awful about it.

I need to physically get my self healthier and loose a lot of weight – I know that won’t fix the depression, but it’s got to help some.  I did put an exercise bike on lay away – I have to add exercise to my daily routine rather I want to do or not.    I need to get my house organized and get rid of this junk.   The yard sale we have planned is coming up fast – and I’m so not ready.  Every weekend between now and then is booked with things we have to do (karate practice,  my duaghter’s art show from summer camp, etc).  I’m feeling stressed.  Nothing I wanted done this summer got done (again!) – hubby promised to get a big shed for out back so I could start sorting out that garage and moving decorations and stuff we were keeping to the shed so I would have room to organize.  NO shed.   He promised to pick up the closet for the living room that we picked out together so I could organize the coats, boots, and umbrellas instead of having them all over the living room every where – NO closet.  He promised to get rid of the big stuff in the garage that we knew we didn’t want – like the big arcade game that is a huge reminder of one of my failed attempts at a home business – but it’s still out there.

So now the summer is over – he’s back to work – and nothing has changed.  Yet, some how all the junk and clutter is my fault. Physically I can’t move that stuff, there is no where to put anything so I can’t sort or organized.  Sure I collected a lot of junk over the years, yes most of its mine – but some of it is his too – and all I need is help to get it out and organized.  But when ever I bring it up – for some reason it turns into a fight and I feel guilty and nothing gets done.

But still, I should just buy the stupid shed and closet myself, hire someone to help me and just get it done.  It shouldn’t be something that rips my heart out and makes me depressed - though I think unfortunately it is part of it. 

I guess my frustration and stress over not even being able to get my physical surroundings under control adds to my depression.  If I can’t even had a home that is manageable, how can I ever expect to get a handle of my life. 

Perhaps I can try to gently put my foot down and insist on the shed and closet for my birthday (in Oct.) and Christmas (though we are planning a short vacation over the xmas break – which is a whole other can of worms for me to deal with and depression even though I do want to go too – geeesh I’m just nuts). 

Any way – that is the plan – I have to insist on a shed and closet before the end of the year no matter what.  I have to – I have a huge Harry Potter birthday party planned in May for my daughter’s 11th birthday – if this house isn’t organized and set up I can’t do it.  (When I say huge – I mean huge – it will take all year to plan, I have plans to decorate every room in the house and the yard, 9 Hogwarts classes, 3 or 4 activities, lots of treats to be serve and a huge buffet and even shopping at Diagon Alley shops for magical supplies.)

Maybe if I can just sink my teeth into getting something concrete done and focus on the party I can get through this round of depression.  I always feel a little better when I focus on a BIG project.

Enough rambling for one day, hopefully I get go back to bed and get a little more sleep (it’s 3:30 a.m. and I’m exhausted).

Bright blessings, Lady Rose

Written by Lady RoseTags:depression, life

By the time bedtime came last night my head was throbbing and I woke up at around 3 am thinking that my head was going to just go POP, like a big pimple.  I took some OTC meds and waited … and waited .. and by 6 am I broke down and broke out the prescription meds.  Needless to say I slept in today.

The headache is still there, as it reminds me every time I’m due for more meds.  I’m not sure what triggered this migraine.  I’m chalking it up to a combination of factors ranging from the sinus infection to the weaning off of the antidepressants …. compounded by the fact that I have been grinding my teeth something fierce the last few nights.

I was very grateful to Hubby for allowing me to sleep in (he also made me coffee) and have spent the bulk of the day doing light puttering.  I re-organized the cabinets in the pantry, worked on the blog a bit, surfed the net A LOT, and even started working on the quilt my older daughter and I want to try and make.

For now I am just focusing on cutting and marking the squares.  Though I did sew 2 squares together to make sure I’m on the right track.  So far so good .. I just need to grab some straight pins so the fabric doesn’t shift so much.

I have 2 pounds of scrap to start with … and the main pieces are being cut 4″ square.  I will have to get creative though as some of the scraps are too narrow too allow those dimensions.

I can’t help but think of my mom when I’m sewing.  I can remember her making clothing for me on her sewing machine and her teaching me to sew a simple running stitch.  She was so crafty and I wish I had shown more of an interest when I was younger so that I would’ve gotten those skills under my belt while she was still with us.

My mom could sew crochet and knit.  She could do embroidery.  But the thing that always impressed me the most was her artwork, specifically her oil paintings.  She was so damn talented and I don’t think she ever knew that.

As I approach 40 and as we move toward what we hope will be a more nature oriented life I find myself trying to teach myself skills that she would’ve been thrilled to show me.  I want to be able to create some of our own garments … and maybe one day sell some items as a means of supplementing our income.

Hubby also wants to learn how to sew.  Though his interest is primarily in making Garb for Renaissance Fairs.  We even bought him a sewing machine (since he thought it would be easier to learn on a new model than on my mother’s old and booklet-less one), but he yet to use it even once. 

I will probably get after him this winter to see what he can do with it.  WIth my encouragement he might just make garb for the Spring/Summer Faire season, if not for us then for the girls.

My energy is so scattered.  I have so much that needs to be done, so many things I want to do, and frankly not enough hours in the day to attend to it all.  The job (which I can’t seem to extend past PT since the hysterectomy), the cooking, the shopping, the bill paying, the cleaning, trying to find quality time with the girls and with the hubby, the sweepstaking, the blogging, the craft stuff, I keep falling further behind. 

But it’s about getting on the right track.  I am slowly going through drawers and closets and cabinets.  I am trying to better organize my time.  I am hopeful that as we clear out clutter and get more organized that life will simplify itself a bit.  That I will figure out, I guess, a schedule that will keep me from getting behind all the time on the things that need to be done while still allowing me to do the things I want to do.

My older daughter has expressed a desire to earn an allowance.  Well more honestly she WANTS an allowance, it’s us who expects her to earn it. LOL  So she and I are going to negotiate what chores she can do and what we will pay her for them.  At “almost 12″  she should be able to do just about anything that doesn’t involve using heavy duty chemicals.   We’ll start little by little and see how much she’s willing to do and to do RIGHT.  I have to also see what chores I can hand over to the “almost 7-year-old”.

The more things I can delegate the more time and energy I’ll have to do the stuff that only I can do.  And with a Hubby on permanent disability my list can get to be quite long.  But, in many ways he’s gotten better about his role now as a “house husband”.

Well that’s about it.  I’m off to do more research.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly

This week has seemed incredibly long.  But, I guess that’s normal as it was my first week back after our vacation.  Plus, coming down with a sinus infection didn’t help matters any.

My digestive issues and pain levels while away were frankly insane and while I was a trooper and didn’t allow it to interfere with our plans it did spoil some of my fun.  As the Effexor I have been on for depression has gastrointestinal side effects I am in the process of trying to wean off of them to see if I can get some relief. Additionally I find that antidepressants (while very helpful) also numb me out somewhat and to some degree I look at them as postponing the inner work that needs doing.

I had written a very long post the other night in regards to childhood emotional abuse and how some of it has persisted into my adulthood, magnified by the fact that we live with my father.  And it disappeared into the world of cyber when I hit publish.  While I was very frustrated at first I realize that the writing of it was important in of itself.  And my self-assigned task is to change how I deal with my father even if just by not taking it all so much to heart.  Though one of these days I may find the strength to actually confront the issue more directly.

Weaning off of my meds is hard.  I am increasingly irritable and moody.  And I keep finding myself crying over stupid stuff.  Don’t get me wrong I am a crier when it comes to sappy movies and even well-written sappy commericals.  But, lately things that wouldn’t normally affect me do so strongly (books, TV shows) are moving me to tears almost daily.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

In other news …

Tonight for dinner I made Zatarain’s New Orleans Style Dirty Rice Mix, 8-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 12) except that I used TVP instead of ground beef.  I wasn’t sure how it would come out.  It far exceeded my hopes.  All I did was follow the microwave directions, substitute 1 cup of TVP for the 1 lb of beef, and add an extra cup of water.  25 minutes later Voila!  Dinner.

If only everything were this easy.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, life