A few days ago one of my favorite bloggers Cat Chapin-Bishop of Quaker Pagan Reflections did a guest-post over at The Wild Hunt (another read of mine) in which she puts forth the following request:

“Don’t tell me that community is important in Paganism. Tell me about finding your first Pagan community, and about that heady rush like first love you felt for it. And about the crushing pain that followed the first betrayal (the leader that was manipulative; the grove member who stole; the coven-mate whose oaths didn’t keep her from outing one of you) and how you came to terms with it. How you learned to embrace the Pagan world despite its flaws–or dedicated yourself to eradicating them.” (emphasis mine)

I came to Wicca in 1988, at the end of my Freshman year of college.  After literally years of trying to find a way to balance the things I had come to believe in (psychic ability, magic, tarot, reincarnation, a feminine face to the Divine, the sanctity of the natural world, etc) with the doctrine of the Roman Catholic church I found myself researching Witchcraft at my college campus’ library.  My purpose of the time was geared more toward spellcraft, but when I found (and devoured in one sitting) the book Witchcraft: The Old Religion by Dr. Leo Louis Martello I knew I had found a name for all those things that I believed in.  I had found my path and from that moment I gave up trying to stay Catholic and embraced Witchcraft.

By the following fall, back at college, a friend and I (along with her fiancee) attended the first meeting of a Pagan study group and promptly started a friendship with the boy/man who ran the group.  In fact, at his invitation I wound up attending my first open circle by Candlemas of 1989.  Eventually he & I became romatically involved and my friends started coming to open circles as well in time.  By the time the circle disbanded in late 1992 I had attained my 3rd degree initiation (yes I know I was a little shy of “a year and a day” times 3 but my second degree initiation was moved up in order to allow he and I to take that step together) but had been betrayed by two of the people who I called friends, coven-mates, and heart family.

The first betrayal came at the hands of my lover who, when we took a female friend into our bed (my one and only attempt at polyamory), fell in love with her too.  This led to my having to move out of the apartment he & I had just set up a few months prior and triggered one of the most painful years of my life as he & I continued to date (with him often speaking of “when we would get engaged again”) while he was dating “her”. 

I never blamed him (or at least I tried not to) and our relationship continued for another year or so before I finally had enough and ended it.  Don’t get me wrong the loss of the relationship hurt.  I had been convinced that he was going to be my life-mate and that eventually he & I would branch off from Lady Rose’s coven and form our own as Priest and Priestess.  It was this sureity that was the cause of my holding on for so long to a dead relationship.  But, the betrayal in my mind came not from his following his affections to the arms of another but from how eventually I lost him as a friend as well when he took another person’s side in the next scenario.

A few months later another love affair went awry in that a man who had asked me with tears in his eyes to be exclusive decided almost as soon as he had me that he didn’t really want only me after all.  So soon on the heels of being cast aside I (stupidly) accomodated his request to be able to see other people.  I knew my roomate (coven-mate and friend) had her eye on him and as she was ….. hmmm …… open and free with her own sexuality I asked her to not sleep with him while he and I were still dating. 

One night I went out to see a play with a friend and came home to the unmistakable sounds of them screwing in her bedroom.  I was embarassed and angry and hurt.  This was made worse by her insistance that I had no right to tell her what to do with her body and that the Rede (an’ it harm none, do what ye will) didn’t apply because she could only hurt me if I chose to be hurt.  The implication was also there that if I was more spiritual and less hung-up that there wouldn’t be a problem.

I have to say honestly that my former friend and roommate’s betryal struck deeper than even the losing of either love affair.  We were members of the same faith and of the same circle and yet our views on fairness and morality were so far apart.  She had her world-view and was unable or unwilling to see past it to the fact that, right or wrong, that I was hurt by her actions.  For her, at that time in her life, being “right” meant more to her than my friendship.

When it became clear that she and I could never be in the same circle again (and rather than have her banned from the coven or cause me to feel the need to walk away) the choice was made to disband.  I always hoped that Lady Rose would form another circle but life didn’t play out that way.  I always figured I’d find another coven the same way I found my first one …. Id meet the right person at the right time …. but over 15 years of being a solitary later that doesn’t seem to be in the cards either.

Insofar as coming to terms with it, I never really have.  Both soul-wounds are like scars that you find yourself rubbing without thinking about it only to realize too late that you’ve made them sore.  I don’t look for another coven because in truth I would fully expect to be betrayed again.  I don’t share my faith with many people and when I do happen to meet a likeminded person I am more intimidated than intrigued.

I am hoping that next month’s trip to Womongathering will help me begin to move past those old hurts, network a little, and to find my spirit soaring within sacred space again.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:memories

Today I am grateful for being able to feed my family.  With rising food costs I will eventually have to cut more corners than I am presently.  I am grateful for having a ‘fridge full of food and having enough to, without a thought, invite a friend over to share it with us.

Today I am grateful for 3 days off from work in a row.  Yes the loss of pay will hurt come the paydays those days impact.  But, my health and sanity are worth it, or so everyone keeps telling me.  Additionally, it allows me to be more physically and emotionally present for both of my girls.  And while I am spending part of it attending to cleaning and organizing tasks I am also making time for rest to recharge my mind body and spirit before returning to hell work on Tuesday.

Today I am grateful for a roof over our head and a home in a safe community.  I am grateful that I can let my younger daughter walk a few houses down to play with friends.  I am grateful for good schools.  I am grateful that while our town has gotten more and more crowded since my family (mom, dad, & me) moved here 23 years ago (when I was 16) it is still full of trees and birds and even the occassional deer.

But, today I am grateful to all of the men and women who have given their lives for the cause of freedom.  Whether they lost their lives in combat, as Memorial Day typically honors, or lost their lives working toward peace today I remember and honor them.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:Memorial Day, prayer

Spells on Saturday – Thread Protection Spell

Found in the spellspot.com newsletter archieve

Supplies Needed:

Assortment of different colored threads
Scissors
Small Jar With A Screw On Lid

Instructions:

Cut the threads into 1-to-2 inch lengths and drop them one by one into the jar, say this as you drop each one:

“Bits of thread,
Protection shed”

When the jar is full, screw the lid on, lick your index finger and use it to draw a pentagram on the jar lid.

Charge the jars protective powers with the following incantation:

“Oh, Hestia of the hearth and home-
Guard my family with your might.
Protect them from all ills that roam,
With this little jar, sealed tight.
Protect this home, oh Hestia too,
Confine all evil to this jar.
Bring good vibrations-old and new-
And grant good will from near and far”

Place the jar in as central location as possible in your home

– author unknown

Notes: If you are a serious crafter … spending time regularly working on cross-stitch, needlepoint, even knitting or crochet you can easily add your cast-off threads or bits of yarn as you work until the jar is full. You can even fill multiple jars adding one to each room of the home.

In my opinion the best jars to use would be baby food jars. They are small enough to be quick to fill and to be easily tucked away in an unobtrusive spot.  Get them from friends, family or neighbors that have babies in the home or make a recipe that uses baby food as an ingredient (like this plum cake) don’t just buy the baby food and throw out the contents.

If you don’t want to mark the lid with your saliva simply paint a pentacle on the lid with black paint, a sharpie marker, or just a purchased protective oil (remember you can always simply add a little sea salt to olive oil and charge it for that purpose).

Feel free to add protective herbs or crystals/stones to your jar to give the spell an extra boost.

Also, feel free to change any lines that you don’t like or aren’t comfortable with.  I, for one, would change the line “protection shed” to “protection spread.”

 Blessings, Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:protection spell, spell

Our anniversary dinner was nice and was filled, for the most part, with laughter.  We did in fact eat at PF Chang’s and as it was on Pop-Pop’s dime ordered a little more than I usually would’ve.  We shared appetizers – salt & pepper calamari and peking dumplings.  We ate our entrees family style and shared shrimp in lobster sauce, lemon chicken, spicy chicken, orange peel beef, and a platter of twice fried noodles.  We even had dessert – little shot glass style sweets that were $2 each.  It was a nice meal and in fact I am looking forward to noshing on leftovers later.

Miss Artistic is moody and irritable as she in firmly in PMS mode as of yesterday.  This cycle will find us starting on her on “the pill” in hopes of further helping to stablaize her mood, avoid the week long fall into a darker depression, and to help clear up her skin.

Just as a side note -added 4/23/08

in addition to the aforementioned symptoms she is showing many of the early signs

I showed at her age b4 I was eventually diagnosed with endometriosis

She is not just achy & crampy but bleeds very heavy, passes lots of clots, etc.

If it is Endo this is a way to halt the spread of the disease

and give her the additional benefits laid out above

Princess Nibbles is starting to show flashes of temper that are probably related as much to all the stress brought on by her sister’s mental health issues right now as it is to the early stages of puberty.

Miss Artistic’s BFF is back into the routine of having dinner here almost every night and then hanging out afterwards until almost bedtime.  Tonight she is coming with us to do our pre-Memorial Day shopping and then sleeping over.

Once we’re home from the food stores my plan is to make the salads for this weekend.  We’re not having company, I just cook as if we are.  I should be making potato salad, macaroni salad with tuna & peas, as well as tomato salad with red onion, garlic & basil.

Beyond that my plan tonight is to see what I can take to help me sleep as Lunesta doesn’t do much of anything for me. Sad …. but all too true.  I am giving myself the gift of taking the whole 3-day weekend to accomplish 3 main things: catch up on my rest, get some cleaning done, & spent as much time as possible with my kids. 

Hope everyone has fun this weekend!

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly

Today is my 14th wedding anniversary. Originally our plan was to take a ride to New Hope and go to a little place we’ve always wanted to try.  With Miss Artistic’s latest crisis I was uncomfortable leaving her home where she could easily crawl inside her own depression over the course of a couple of hours without her Pop-Pop, Mr. Grumpy, noticing.

So, our plans now are to go out to a local P.F. Chang’s with the girls. I’ve eaten at one twice. Once when I went to California about 4 years ago to spend a week with a friend who I met thru her Endometriosis website and then again a couple of months ago when I went out for a meal after work with some friends. But. it will be new and novel for hubby and for my kids, plus I can get a cocktail and come home perhaps a little bit tipsy.

I have cut back on my hours at work, despite still needing the money, so that I can be more present at home for my Eldest. Today it will also gift me with the opportunity to lay my head down for a brief nap after work so I can avoid being a total cranky-whiny-bitch this evening.

Have a lovely day. I’m certainly going to try to.

Blesssings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly

I sing the body electric
I celebrate the me yet to come
I toast to my own reunion
When I become one with the sun

And I’ll look back on Venus
I’ll look back on Mars
And I’ll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

I sing the body electric
I glory in the glow of rebirth
Creating my own tomorrow
When I shall embody the earth

I Sing The Body Electric

from the movie Fame, lyrics by Wade Lassiter

One of the hardest things about blogging comes when the bulk of your energy is focused on an aspect of your life that you have chosen not to blog about.  I find myself staring at the screen completely lost in terms of what to write about.

As our regular readers know my eldest daughter Miss Artistic is in a crisis mode and that it deals with depression.  Beyond that it is not something I talk about here for the sake of her own privacy.  I am sure that I have made the right decision in that regard and I am grateful for the support I have received here during the past months of hard times.

But, I find that I can’t really tell you much, if anything, about my day to day life right now for fear of what I might give away.

I’ve been doing some research into natural ways to treat depression.  Not as a substitute for the medications Miss Artistic is on but as a way to supplement them & perhaps even speed the process of her getting off them down the road.

• I purchased chewable multi-vitamins (in part so that Princess Nibbles can take them & because my eldest requested chewables) which also have fruit & vegetable concentrates in them and an Omega-3-6-9 softgel.
• I picked up some lavender essential oil to scent her pillow with to aid in her falling asleep. 
• I am trying to figure out the best foods for her to eat as well as how to encourage her to reduce the amount of sugar & caffeine she consumes outside of my watchful eye
• I am researching lists of blogging prompts and hope to have a jar filled with them within a few days.  I have also promised her that we will sit together on the couch and journal side by side so that it feels less like a chore or punishment and more about both of us getting “better”.

Today my gratitude is shaky with so much going on it can be hard to feel blessed.  I am putting most of my energy into holding on to the light at the other end of the tunnel not just for me but for her. 

But I am grateful for:

• having the medical insurance which helps me get Miss Artistic the help she needs
• having a job (as hateful as it is) that allows me the flexibility to take the time I need right now
• having received both a tax refund & incentive check which makes all that time off feasible
• having friends both in real life and in the blogosphere that lend their support, energy, & prayers to support me, my daughter, and my family through this stressful time

Blessings to you all

Mama Kelly

PS The usual prayer or poem that accompanies this blog feature has been replaced this week by a snippet of a song.  I sang this song when I was a little older than Miss Artistic in my Catholic school’s choir.  It was then, and is now one of the most uplifting songs I know.  It is a perfect example of how even mainstream music can be sung as an act of prayer.

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, prayer

Womon Gathering is ONLY 26 days away!  I have started making a list of what to pack, what I need to pick up from the store and will start getting things together this weekend.  I am going to visit Mama Kelly at the end of the month for a final review of our packing and finalize our plans. Teacherman (hubby) thinks I should rent a car since mine is over 10 years old now. I think I probably will, that way I don’t have to take mine and risk breaking down on such a long trip and I don’t have to take his leaving him to use my much smaller car (being over 6 foot it’s a tight fit for him).

I find myself daydreaming about the event throughout the day and smiling a lot.  I went once before over a decade ago so I have some memories of it. Also I know a woman at work who goes every year, so she has told me some details about what to expect and sends me emails when there is news on the event’s message board.

The event takes place at a private camp grounds way up in the mountains far away from civilization.  From the moment you enter through the “gateway” you are on sacred ground.   It is like being in a safe, blessed sacred circle for the entire four days. Every effort is made to set aside the mundane every day world of stress and rushing about, (i.e. cell phones are kept off).  Many of the women attending have gone almost every year, and of course there are others coming for the first time also.  

The “gateway” is a tent structure that you pass through after you have unloaded your belongings, parked your car, and settled in.  The “gateway” is the symbolic place between the worlds, a sacred space to release what you wish to leave behind, to ground and center yourself before entering the community of the festival. Each year the “gateway” is different and embellished with the element theme for the year.  For example, one Air year a woman stood in front with two huge bird wings (real) and fanned each woman as they entered.

This year the theme is Water. We have been asked to bring a vial of “local” water from home to carry through the “gateway” and to be used in some of the rituals also.

There is a large sacred bonfire lit at a ceremony the first night and it is kept lit throughout the entire event.  It is a quiet space for meditation.   I have fond memories of sitting by the bonfire, enjoying the peacefulness and just breathing in the fresh air at various times throughout the four days. I am looking forward to doing so again.

Many of the women decorate their area of the cabin with magical and spiritual items and some even set up small altars. I am looking forward to planning with Mama Kelly an altar four our area of the cabin. I’m not sure what I’m bringing yet, but probably a large shell (since the theme is water), and perhaps some crystals. No candles are allowed in the cabins, of course. I’ll also be bringing my drum and tarot cards for two of the classes.

I can already feel my heart and spirit beginning to soar as I daydream of the four days on sacred ground, immersed in learning, drumming, chanting, circling, and best of all sharing it with my best friend and heart-sister, Mama Kelly.

Wishing every one a joyous weekend and bright blessings, Lady Rose

Written by Lady RoseTags:spirituality, womongathering

With Miss Artistic’s latest crisis Lady Rose & I had to talk seriously about whether or not to still go to Womongathering.  The long and short of it is that we are. 

I have my hesitations because of not having much in the way of cell phone access once there.  I have my worries over the fact that I will be pretty much out of contact for 4 days.  GamerDude keeps telling me that I need this.  The last 10 years have been rough, the last 7 months have been beyond stressful.  I have lost myself and he wants his “real” wife back, I can’t say that I blame him.  I miss myself as well.

I have emailed the organizers to find out if there are any land-lines anywhere on the property.  I have a hard time accepting that I would be completely unreachable in the worst case type of scenarios. But, regardless of what their responce is there is no going back.  To “cancel” after tonight means no refunds.  I just have to hope and pray that we can get Miss Artistic through this crisis and keep her stable enough, long enough, to let me have this short period of respite.  I have to hope that being able to call home once a day, from the one spot that has cell access, will be enough.

We have yet to sit down and discuss what to bring, what time to leave, exactly how we’re organizing this at all.  That will come on 5/31 when she comes up for her semi-monthly visit.  But, insofar as the Gathering itself I am starting to get a little excited about the classes that are appearing on the schedule.  Now, there is a heavy focus on croning rites and as I have had a hysterectomy in many ways I do see myself as a crone in spite of not even being 40 yet.  I am certainly “mid-life”.  But, my aim is to reclaim my spirit, my hope, my faith.  I am most likely better off calling to the fruitfulness of the Mother instead of taking a step closer to accepting the eventuality of “old age”.  In that spirit I am considering:

Thursday night I think I would like to attend “Laughter to Feed Your Soul”

Friday I think I would like to attend a Tarot workshop, though there is a 2 hour toning workshop that appeals to the former choir geek still living inside me. 

Saturday I am tempted to do the Reiki 2 attunement though there is also a trancing practicum that makes me go Yum just a little.

Sunday I am drawn to a class title “Unstuck Your Sensual Self” and with my libido the way it is it seems a tailor-made way to end to experience and try and come back to my husband.

There seems to be a lot in the way of “down time” and as I am not planning on doing a lot in the way of shopping I plan to spend it doing a lot of journalling and hopefully also listening to music (as I hope to borrow my teenager’s MP3 player).  I need to use every minute of my time there to dig deep and uncover my true self as well as to gather the inner fortitude that it will take to hold on to it after I come back home.

May it go well!

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly

It seems that somehow we are back at square one with my eldest daughter and the depression issues she has been coping with.  So yes that means we are firmly planted back in crisis mode.  Again, I do not want to go into detail because, frankly, I want her to maintain her privacy.

What I can tell you is that she can use all of the white light and prayers that any of you are willing to send her way.

What I can tell you is that I (and GamerDude and Princess Nibbles) may need some as well to get through another week like the one last month.

I do not know what else to say beyond that.

Blessings to you all

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly

Oh Goddess Mother,
You are the mystery of Night,
Your radiant shine is the Day,
Infinite realms cascade within You,
Abundance is Your essence of Being,
Blessings flow from You Limitlessly,
Your Universe is harmony and tension in Balance,
Within each of us, You are Alive.

© Abby Willowroot 2000 (SpiralGoddess.com)

Today I grateful for no more or less than the gift of being a mother.

Today I am grateful for the gift and blessing that was the carrying of each of my daughters within my womb. For each flutter and kick and hiccup. For toes between my ribs and a body that will never be the same.

Today I am grateful for those first days weeks and months when my baby was my world and I was theirs. For sweet smelling heads and milk-drunk smiles.

Today I am grateful for watching them grow into themselves. Princess Nibbles is still very much a little girl and I am loving every moment that it lasts. Miss Artistic is in the midst of transforming into a woman and I am enjoying the flashes of seeing who she will become.

Today I am grateful for the moments I do get to share with them. For trips to the mall or to the grocery store. For cuddling up to watch a movie. For long, deep talks and answering all of those questions, easy and hard.

Today I am grateful for the knowledge that I will always be their mother. When they are grown with children of their own, when I am long returned to the earth from whence I came I will still be their mother.

Thank you dear Goddess
Thank you

Mama Kelly

PS and to all my readers …..

glitter-graphics.com

Written by Mama Kelly