I find it hard to write at the two blogs I keep. I find it even harder to do anything that even remotely resembles remaking my life.
In part it is due to lack of time. I am still working two jobs and will have to continue doing so for the foreseeable future. Most of the time I am working anywhere from 55 to 70 hours a week (depending on how I get scheduled at my second job).
In part it is due to lack of energy. My health issues related to chronic pain and fatigue are kicked up something fierce. Unfortunately, so is my insomnia. For the most part if I am not working (or food shopping, or cooking, or paying bills, or trying to turn watching an hour or two of television with my 12 year old into “quality time”) I am capable of little more than sitting on the couch mindlessly surfing the internet while half-way watching TV with my husband.
But mostly, it is due to, frankly, being more soul-sick that I care to admit (even to the therapist I started seeing earlier this year).
It is this (as well as the figurative voices in my head that remind me incessantly about my worries, my flaws, my failures, and my failings when I have a moment of peace and quiet) that renders me silent.
There is a series of books I love by Anne Bishop (The Black Jewels). Without attempting to go into too much detail, one of the concepts in the book is that the people referred to as the Blood (those capable of casting spells, performing magic, having psychic ability) have within them an Abyss. It is at once their own inner well of power – a place to descend to and emerge having gathered one’s strength for a task at hand – and a psychological state, an inner landscape if you will. It can be a place to escape and heal in, or a place to lose yourself among the shattered shards of self.
Not trying to be morose or melodramatic, I have in some way found my way to the outskirts of an Abyss of sorts. It takes so much damn energy to walk the fine line that allows me to juggle everything that I need to, to stay as outwardly positive as possible, to remain the rock my family needs me to be, and to avoid collapsing into a quivering heap of hopeless sobbing that I find I don’t have much of anything left at the end of the day to do the inner or outer work I need to do to both heal and move forward.
Not sure where that leaves me, or where this journey is taking me. But I am trying to hold on to hope. That’s really all I can do.
Blessings
Mama Kelly
Be advised that currently 2 Witches is rarely updated. Lady Rose writes over at Blissful Moon and Mama Kelly is writing over at Blade & Cauldron
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