Well, I finally made it in to the Dr today. I went without my check list of issues, but managed to remember most of them.

He is starting me on Prozac for my depression and is strongly recommending therapy.  I don’t have a problem with the idea of a therapist, it’s more the finding room in the budget to pay for it on top of other ongoing medication bills and frequent Dr co-pays I am already juggling.

He is ordering a sleep study, not only because I am having multiple issues with getting any significant amount of restful sleep but because Gamer Dude says that I choke and stop breathing in my sleep.

He is ordering a bunch of blood work (including hormone levels to check on my ovarian remnant situation and tests for rheumatoid arthritis because of the crunchy joints) and has me scheduled for a follow-up visit with him in 6 weeks to go over all results.

Additionally he gave me a muscle relaxant script for my all-too-frequent headaches that don’t respond to anything over-the-counter, told me that I have to get a handle on the stress because its starting to affect my blood pressure, and was very firm in stating that I am in no way to sign up for Tae Kwon Do at this point and simply work on using our Wii Fit to gradually work on getting in shape.

When I go back just before Ostara I will address the other issues that I forgot to mention today.

So I may have failed to honor Imbolc in a circle or with a coven but I did honor part of my goal for myself this year which is to reclaim my true self – my health, my spirituality, my dreams.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:anxiety, depression, health, pain, sleep disorder

And so here we are 6 full days into the new year and still I have not been able to shake the malaise that’s been plaguing me and get back into blogging more regularly.

I think about the blog a lot. I think about you, our readers. I think about changes I’d like to make and writing I’d like to do, but the days have come and gone and still I sit in a morose silence while dust gathers on our pages and spiders take up residence spinning webs in the baps between meaningful posts. And this has to stop.

Normally this time of year would find me blogging about resolutions, about goals for the year, but, right now, my focus is on merely surviving. I have thoughts simmering. I have hopes for change and transformation. But, right now, we are simply existing one day at a time and, for now, that’s okay.

The past three weeks have been hell on wheels. Not only were we busy with holiday insanity, but we have been helping Miss Artistic deal with a crisis while trying to hold on to some semblance of normalcy for Princess Nature.

But, even still, we had lots of lovely visits with friends – “E”, Drama, Lady Rose & her crew, as well as M2. We were all spoiled with gifts and treasures and various yummy things. I was reminded, as I always am this time of year, how blessed I am to be loved, how lucky I am to be a wife & mother, how wonderful my friends are, and how precious good times are.

One positive change (and as of right now its pretty much the only one) I’ve made is that since starting using the Wii Fit Plus
the girls got for Xmas/Yule I have only skipped one night and I am averaging 20-30 minutes a night stepping, punching, and kicking my way to a healthier body and a lower weight. Granted I’ve used it exactly 10 times so the changes so far are pretty negligible. But, I am proud nonetheless that I have managed to stick with it.

And so while I spend more time that I am proud of shaking my fist at the sky and wondering “why me? why us? why this?” I look forward to 2010 and the potential it holds in terms of gifts, and blessings, and new opportunities.

May it be so for me and for each of you as well.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, family, life, New Year's

“How long til my soul gets it right”

“Galileo”, The Indigo Girls

The disquiet and disatisfaction I’ve been feeling for the past few years is resurfacing again.  That in of itself is not much of a surprise.

When you do nothing to change a situation, out of depression or lack of choices or simply a sense of hopelessness, and squash your emotions relating to that situation into a little ball and swallow them, you cannot be surprised when those same feelings are regurgitated from time to time.

I’m unhappy at work.  I’m unhappy with many aspects of my home life. I’m unhappy with who I’ve become, or more accurately I’m unhappy with how far away I am from the path I was once on.  Unfortunately the problem, the stumbling block if you will, seems to be that I have no idea how to place myself back on that path.

I keep revisiting this topic here at 2 Witches, often enough that I am beginning to bore myself. I apologize for that.  Unfortunately, there are not that many avenues open to me to discuss this the way I need to, to vent if you will hoping that in that eruption of ideas and emotions that I will stumble upon something, some small nugget that will lead me “home.”

Home, in the sense of being where I belong, my feet firmly on some path, my head and heart in line with my spirit.

Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out anything.

I know that I need companionship.

I know that I need time to myself.

I know that I need access to activities that feed my soul.

I know that I need some means of escape (from time to time, not permanently) from the seeming endless stream of stress and anxiety and depression triggers that come from my workplace, from problems at home, from friction between my father and myself.

What I fail to see is how to manage it, how to fit it in.

And yes this post is little more than a long and drawn out whine (I hope you have some nice cheese & crackers to go along with it).   Maybe I’m just trying to shake myself out of sleepwalking through my life. Because, Gods know, that it has to stop.

I keep meaning to take a step back into ritual,toward honoring the Esbats and keeping the Sabbats.  With each passing month I skip it again due to lack of time or space or privacy.  But, those are just excuses.  The reality my heart just isn’t in it. I’m sad, and lonely. I’m soul-sick.

I have also mean to take a step back into spellwork.  I have planned more spells than I can count and backed out at the last minute because of, well frankly fear of the fallout, the unseen potentials that are opened (unleashed) when one sends energy out into the web of life.

And so I sit here struck again by the realization that I feel the same way that I’ve felt for the past 3 years.  That despite days or even weeks when things are “better”, when I manage a glimmer of joy as opposed to just survival, that I keep returning to this dark night of the soul.  I come to understand that some of my desire for a coven to belong to again is not just for the company and companionship for for the ability to have someplace to so “when (I am) so spiritually exhausted that (I) need to let somewhere else and someone else fill (me) back up”

Does that represent a personal failing on my part? Maybe.

Does that represent a basic human need, to be healed? I think so.

May I be healed! May you be healed! May we all be healed!

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression

With the approach of Memorial Day and a dear friend in the process of being shipped overseas in the coming months we have revisited in our house the concept of bravery.  Nothing too indepth, but simply the reminder that bravery is not the lack of fear, but the ability to do what must be done in spite of fear.

So this thought was simmering in the back of my brain right along with the dread anticipation of my 40th birthday and what I want the second part of my life to look like when I went over to Audacia Muliebris to catch up on what she’s been up to.

This past Thursday she wrote:

… the implication was that our resistance was a form of denial of our true potential as artists; of being comfortable with the (unhappy) status quo and being unwilling to change. And that if we were going to change, we had to soldier through, and it is absolutely imperative that we keep it up, every day, every week …

And while she was speaking about a daily writing excercise (one I keep meaning to do myself by the way) it definitely resonated within me and was just as much a message from the Divine, from the Lord & Lady, as if I had heard them whispering within me.  And while these words took her to a different path, the message I heard was loud and clear for where I am in my own life.

There is a truth in “being comfortable with the (unhappy) status quo.”  Or more accurately being afraid that the unknown, while it could be world’s better, could turn out to be far worse than what we are currently able to find the will to plod through.

There is also a truth in that this mortal life, this incarnation, is too short to do much simply because you feel you should, or that you must (outside of what is truly necessary to meet your needs, the needs of those you are responsible for, to keep yourself fed and safe and healthy, etc).

But the biggest truth is her post, for me at least, is that if I can find the will to soldier through in a home environment that does not nurture me, in a work environment that sucks my soul dry, with not “enough” to always meet my needs and certainly not enough to feed my dreams, than I can find the will to do the work to live the life I truly want.

Of course getting from here to there is not a clear path.  The last time things felt this stagnated and this tangled I cast a spell and got a phone call a few days later from Gamer Dude which wreaked a bit of havoc in his life but created a situation that led him back north and back into my life.

So its not that I doubt that magic can transform my life, its not that I doubt that it might be just the thing to help create the environment that will help me find my way out of my little boat, bobbing on the water, and back onto dry land again, it is, instead, a worry about the havoc that might be necessary to achieve that end.

Because, I know that so much has to change before the life I dream of can even have a chance at being made real.  What I have to decide what I am more afraid of – the possibility of temporary chaos or living life in the same fashion for a long time to come.

In the meantime, friends that I have recently reconnected with and I are planning to work together in an act of spellworking.  The details are still being ironed out but I know, without doubt, that this is a step in the right direction.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly

A few weeks ago I pledged to spend 37 days working on my writing.  It didn’t last long.

Granted, it was not a particularly well thought out or realistic goal as between Dr appointments, Tae Kwon Do, work, my own classwork, the kids school work, etc I quickly got overwhelmed by stress and let it all fall by the wayside.

I thought about doing something similar … trying again, so to speak, in the days leading up to my 40th birthday.  And, like a sign … a nod of assent from the Universe … I received mail.  Mail that was neither junk, nor mail, but was instead cards from a friend.  She has decided to fill the weeks leading up to my birthday with a card a day.  Each one chosen for me with words of inspiration inside.

So instead of a formal pledge or assigned task I plan to take time these next weeks to write in my journal … one that involves paper and pen … and to do some deep thinking about what I want out of the second half of my life.  Where do I want to see myself in a year from now … in five … in ten?

And once I decide where I want to be …. not where I feel I should be …. not where I feel I need to be … but once I decide what life would actually fulfill me the next step is obviously figuring out how to get there from here.

Because as my dear friend “E” reminds me, it is not too late to “turn on (my) passion, turn on (my) greatness, turn the page, turn the corner, and move on” down a different road, a different path.

Today is day 2 of 40 …

Blessings to you on whatever road you are on

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:birthday, turning 40

I love the synchronicity of life.  Thursday brought me both surprises in the mail, including a copy of This Is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down from Weiser Books, and inspiration from one of my blogreads, 37 Days.  Both of these coming as I work through Kissing the Limitless: Deep Magic and the Great Work of Transforming Yourself and the World and all three seem to whisper the same message.

Live Your Dream, Do It Now!

This Is Not the Life I Ordered is an inspiring book. It is written by four women who have all overcome difficult situations and downright tragedy to reach a life that both supports and fulfills them.  It combines the personal stories of these women along with exercises, in the form of journaling, to overcome blockages and obstacles and fix your life, find hope, no matter how bleak the future may seem.

To be honest I found myself more inspired by the women themselves that by any of the exercises contained within the book’s pages.  But then, perhaps that is because the idea of adding any journaling to my life right now is overwhelming in the wake of daily blogging, updates on both twitter and facebook, as well as the journal and other writing assignments I need to do for my English Composition course this semester.

But, it was seeing how much these women with the support of loving friends were able to achieve that motivated me.  In simple terms if they can overcome bankruptcy widowhood and cancer then what excuse do I have to not even try?

In Kissing the Limitless one of the challenges is to look deep within and examine what you really want and then, once you’re certain of your goal, start moving towards it.  No excuses!  As I wrote a few days ago the message seems to be if you really want it you should be willing to do whatever it takes to get there.  With that message ringing in my ears Patty Digh’s message on her own blog resonated within me like a gong.

Wherever we are in life, no matter how hopeless things may seem; no matter how stressed, busy, or tired we are, we can find a block of time to do something that helps us get to where our soul cries out to be.  With that in mind I have taken Patty Digh of 37 Days up on her challenge as follows:

37days challenge
March 27 – May 3, 2009

I, Kelly, being of kinda sound mind and body, have willingly decided to try to do one thing consistently every single day for the next 37 days. C’mon, self, it’s just 37 days. The one thing I will try to do every day is this:

I will spend time every day working, not on my blog or on my twitter/facebook, on my book.  The book who’s cincept and title dropped into my brain like a gift from the Gods.  I am going to stop squandering that gift and do something every day that moves toward its completion.

I’m not going to pick two things or nine things because that will dilute my focus –- just one thing. One. One simple action. An action, not a goal. An action, not a value. An action, not a wish. Something I can DO.

I’m doing this challenge at this time because:

I’ve chosen this particular daily action because I believe if I do it consistently for 37 days with no (NONE, ZERO, ZIP) exceptions, I will:

I will have found a rhythm that will keep me focused and motivated so that my book will (not might not could but WILL) see the light of day on a bookstore shelf.

If I should fail, I won’t blame anyone but myself (not even my partner, that idiot with 29 items in the express lane at the Piggly Wiggly, the IRS (so needy!), the people who make frosted Pop Tarts and Lofthouse Cookies, or Fate).

I also realize that this contract is solely with myself and carries no rewards, penalties or punishments other than those associated with the reflection of the strength of my character.

New things will happen for me.

I’m ready.

TODAY IS DAY ONE.*

What can you do to make your life better, to make your life easier, to move toward your own dreams?  Pick one thing and commit to doing it for 37 days.  Will it change your life?  I don’t know.  But, I do know that some progress is better than none at all, and that it certainly can’t hurt.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

* My “day one” was yesterday.

Written by Mama KellyTags:transformation

My main hope for 2009, I dare not call it a resolution, is to start living more of a Witchy life. 

In the long run it means a total overhaul of how we spend our time, how I earn my living, and where our money goes.  A good part of the next 5 years (or more) is going to be a process of getting our finances in order so that a different kind of life will be possible.  In the short run it is about making small gradual changes that help us achieve our eventual goal and to live the life we want as much as possible while still living in our current circumstances.

One goal toward that end is to find the time, energy, inspiration, and confidence to actually sit down and start compiling the scribbled notes everywhere and the vague notions in my head and turn them into completed writings.  I hope to offer up E-books here on the site, send out submissions to various Pagan periodicals, as well as start work on an actual book for which the Universe dropped a wonderful title into my head several months back.  I also hope to spend more time writing reviews over on Epinions as well as more in the way of articles, poetry, etc. here on the blog.  My hope is to begin work this Friday as I will have the day off from my job, the children will be at school, and with luck Mr. Grumpy will be out of the house as well.

Another goal is to do much more in the way of weaning us off of prepared foods in that I want to start baking at least some of our bread, I want to learn how to can food, I want to simply do more in the way of eliminating chemical crap from our lives while at the same time living a more self-sufficient life.  I would like to plant a container garden this summer and start compiling recipes into a format more durable than my brain. My first step in that particular journey is to read one of my Yule gifts from Lady Rose – The Urban Homestead: Your Guide to Self-sufficient Living in the Heart of the City – as well as another title on my bookshelf – The Encyclopedia of Country Living – which I have yet to read cover to cover.

Finally, it means me getting up off of my butt and reclaiming my health – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  It means making time for appropriate rest.  It means dealing with neglected doctor visits.  It means resuming some kind of pen and paper journalling and some inner work.  And it means dusting off my tools, books, and other trinkets and making use of them on a regular basis.  It means doing regular tarot readings, it means holding some form of Sabbat and Esbat, it means trying to get out and meet some likeminded folk.  I mean seriously, I cannot be the only WItch in my neighborhood.

My main impetus behind this is my upcoming 40th birthday in June.  I have to say that approaching 40 is messing with my head a little bit and if nothing else is reminding me that I am officially middle-aged and the time is NOW to start living the life I want.

Wish me luck!

I’ll keep you posted!

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:2009 resolutions

It’s that time of year again.  This year I have tried to focus on smaller more easily attainable goals.  I have also tailored them not so much to what I think I should do but the things that I think will actually help me be healthier, happier and saner.

My resolutions could be put into two simple categories:

• Getting my house in order – physically, situationally, and financially
• Living more of a Witchy life

I have thoughts on how to attain these goals.  I have steps I plan to take.  How much of this I share here I have yet to decide.  Yes I want to be accountable, but at the same time my first steps out of the mire and muck of my current life situation will be fraught with fear and insecurity.

I wish you luck in terms of your own resolutions for the New Year.

I wish you all a year full of pleasant surprises and unexpected blessings.

I wish for all of us that 2009 will be a year in which peace and hope reign, however unrealistic that wish may be.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:New Year's

I don’t know about you., but, when I’ve fallen behind in my blog reading I tend to try and skim as much as I can to “catch up.”  The problem with this is that I invariably read something I really like and then promptly forget where I read it.  Last night was one of those times.

On one of the many blogs I am subscribed to (over on bloglines) I read a poem.  The gist of the poem, or I should more accuately say what I took away from the poem, speaks to something I’ve written about from time to time here on 2Witches (in all of its myriad previous forms), a sense of disconnect from the path I should be walking on.  For a long time I have, simply put, felt lost.

The message that I received after reading this poem was, more or less, that I am not so much lost, as I am trapped.  Trapped not by circumstance or situation, but by the very fact that I have put my true self, my soul dare I say it, in a cage.

Very little of my daily life reflects any part of who I want to be and the life I want to live.  Most of the time I am, to one degree or another, in the broomcloset.  Most of the time my energy is spent simply on existing/surviving, not really living.

This is not as morose as it is coming across.  Actually to me there is more hope in it.

Because I cannot necessarily change much of my circumstances, but I can work on changing me.  The way I use my time, the places I spend my energy, the good and bad that I put into the world each day.

I am not sure where this realization will take me.  Will it evaporate like mist in the light of day? In the blur of the daily grind?  I hope not. 

I hope I can catch on to the tail of this, keep hold of it, and find my way to another life, a better way.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly

Yes I’ve been quiet of late. 

Those of you who read this blog regularly can probably guess that I am, again, in a deep funk and I’m not sure what triggered it or how to pull myself out of it.

What I find so distressing about this is that my time at Womongathering seems to have made things worse in a way instead of better.  It is almost as if I am feeling my depression and anxiety and overall unease more intensely than I had been prior to my “vacation.”

Don’t get me wrong, my time away was invaluable.  While I was there I felt more “me” than I had felt in years.  But as Lady Rose told me in her infinate wisdom – 3.5 days can’t begin to offset 14 years of stress.  So, I trust her that its okay that I didn’t walk out of Womongathering transformed.

I am sure it has not been made any better by the fact that I have been a very ”bad” witch and have done very little to hold on to the peace of my time away.

I have not used my altar.

I have not done much self-Reiki.

I have not prayed.

Even my journalling, both here on the blog and in my handwritten diary, has been sparse at best.

I probably need to face the reality that my depression and anxiety levels are high enough for me to need to go back on meds again.  I have tried to avoid this route, but the past 10 months have been rough (better now but still… ) and I think I’m “stuck” in survival mode.

Anyway, I came across this video this morning. The premise is to set yourself goals to meet over the course of the next 100 days that relate to your spiritual path.

I am looking forward to watching it again more thoroughly when I get home from work.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama Kelly