Yippee! Its Friday and tomorrow I get to see Mama Kelly for an overnight visit. I am already packed and ready to go.

Today I see the cardiologist at 8:00 for my follow up — I’ll get the results of my echo and stress tests. Then work – but only till 2 pm (it’s early closing on Fridays for summer!). Then a nice low calorie dinner, an evening with the family, and try to stay awake to watch the new episodes of Monk and the first show of the new series Psych (it looks really funny) – but that is at 10:00 pm and I doubt I’ll be awake.

I am finally feeling better after recovering from my really bad day on Monday when my blood sugar fell through the floor. Phew that was not good. It was a powerful reminder of how dramatically the body can be and how easily it is affected by food or lack of food. I’ve been blogging regularly over on our incredible shrinking women blog and its now coming up on 10 weeks this Monday since I started dieting. It is definitely more then just a diet this time — in order to be successful my focus is on getting healthy (not just hitting a number on the scale – though that number still is very important to me but I know its not the answer to everything); but not only my physical health — my goal is to regain my spiritual health as well (which includes emotional and mental) and get my life and myself back into balance. Being over weight is just an outward symptom of being out of balance and out of touch with who I really am inside. Journaling, self awareness and taking a good long hard look within is a big part of that healing process.

I have been giving a lot more thought to my list of five priorities that I posted about the other day. I find it interesting and a little sad that number 5 is “find my thing” — looking deeper it really means finding what makes me happy, finding a way to be myself. 50 years old and I have no clue — that is a little sad. BUT…then I thought I know what makes me happy it has to be inside me some where — I just don’t think I’ve been paying attention. So I will definitely be digging a little deeper and trying to unravel it. A clue is in looking at how I spend my time — since where we spend our time is a good indiciation of what our priorities really are (not what we say or think they are).

I spend a lot of time trying to relax and be happy.

I say I want a more fulfilling job, I say and try a lot of home businesses (but none ever pan out), I say I want to write a book or do something BIG and a little out there and a little flashy, out in the public eye.

I feel like I haven’t done enough or some how I failed in my life, I feel like I’m not good enough, that I need to keep pushing to do more – be more – more something anything in order to succeed.

But if I’m not spending much of my time on these things I say and feel I should be doing — then perhaps I am looking in the wrong direction for what my 5th priority really is. If I took that energy and time that I waste trying to push myself in all kinds of directions perhaps I would have more time and energy to relax and be happy.

Interesting possibility — but the little voice inside says No way — I can’t be happy and relaxed until I have a better job, I become a creative success, I loose weight, I save more money…and the list contines on with “things” I “have” to do before I can be happy. Besides how can being happy be a worthy “thing” — shouldn’t a “thing” be big and have meaning and impact the world some how?

So it seems I have a little more digging to do – like why isn’t being happy enough? why don’t I feel like I deserve to be happy? where did all these “should” be doing and “have” to be doing misconceptions come from?

I know one thing for sure that does make me happy — spending time with Mama Kelly! Just one more day till our visit.

Bright blessings, Lady Rose

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