This will probably be a little hard to follow so bear with me.

The past few months I’ve been stressed beyond my max, more so than I have even blogged about.  I haven’t really been sleeping.  I’ve been emotional eating like mad, gaining about 20 lbs since August.  I’ve been irritable and anxious and sad and just not fun to be around.  I haven’t even been enjoying my own company.

Some of it came form the normal stresses associated with finances, and a teenager with emotional issues, and too close living quarters, and living with my father – in other words the usual stuff.  But, the bulk of it came from being shifted into a new department at my place of work.

Now, I work in a place that is appropriately nicknamed (at least in my house) as Hell.  As I have ranted about before I get no sick time, no vacation, no benefits to speak of and am regularly treated like shit stuck to someone’s shoe, if not by the people on the phone then by management itself.

The new department I was moved to “seemed” to be an answer to a prayer in the beginning.  There was commission.  We were pretty much left alone.  Numbers were good, so no one was complaining.  The extra money was nice.  I was still crazy, but my paycheck somewhat more closely resembled a livable wage and at least that was something in the way of compensation for my increasing emotional instability.  But, more recently things went downhill.

First commission was cut in half.  Then limits were put on how many “sales” per household.  Then, the results started to drop rapidly.

This past Monday I left work with only 3 sales (it earned me a whopping $10 extra in commission for the day),  a far cry from the 6 or 7 I was able to pull off per day (and an extra $50 or so) just a couple of weeks prior.  My frustration was exacerbated by some sniping from my manager when I asked for suggestions and support.

I left emotionally spent, angry, and a bit overwrought.  As I drove home I started to cry and asked the Gods to please. please get me out of that department.

Tuesday came and I worked hard at being peppier and cheerier only to get hang up after hang up and 1 sale all day for my trouble.  At 4pm our manager came over, told us to sign off, and announced that effective immediately our new department (only in existence since August) was dead and we were reassigned to other departments as of the following morning.

I was lucky in that I went back to my original department (others were moved into departments they might not have chosen otherwise).  Yes, it would’ve been nice to go into another commission based department (because now I’ve effectively lost about $4000 a year).  But, at least I am where I have consistently done well, where I have friends, where I know what to do and how to do it.  But, what worries me is that on top of having lost my commission, I may be at risk for a pay cut too.

Hourly wage where I work is based on a chart that is based on performance, a chart mind you that has never been adjusted for either inflation or the impact of the “do not call list” on our companies ability to produce said numbers. This pay scale is the same it was when I was hired 8 years ago.

It is based on a numeric formula of how many people show up (for these free chiropractic appointments we schedule all over the US) per every 4 hours you work.  That’s it.  Not how hard you work, not how reliable you are, not how long you have been there, or if you are cross-trained on multiple tasks.  Raises are only granted based on the chart, but can be denied at whim.  No one is given an annual review, never mind a cost of living increase, even as our health insurance premiums go up another 7.5% effective 12/1.

My hourly wage is based on my ability to “hold” a certain statistical average if you will.  Unfortunately, even though I didn’t leave the company, even though I was asked to move to this new department start-up, even though I was only gone a few months, I am being forced to start over with my stats like a new hire and “prove myself.”  The other tasks I am cross-trained for, one of which I used to be a team lead for and ran a Sunday shift for, I am disallowed until I “earn them back.”

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be that worried.  My stats had kept me in the “top 10″ in the department for over a year before I was moved.  But, historically this time of year is the positively worst time to try to build up your stats.  In fact, this time of year (between now and after New Year’s) is when stats have always been historically low.  And this time last year (yes right before the holidays) they were cutting pay.

And so I kill myself to be perky and professional and rebuttal my ass off and so far its working.  Its emotionally exhausting, but its working.  Tomorrow is a half day and then I am back to 39 hours a week cold calling.

Timed the way it has been I cannot help but look at this move as an answer to a prayer.  I am trying to trust that all will be well and that it will work out in the end, but it’s hard.

And so I return you a quieter than usual blog.  Although after this rant you’ll probably enjoy the alternative.  I beg your patience as I find my groove again at work.  I beg your patience while I work through ever increasing levels of anxiety and depression.  I beg your patience while I try to find solid footing which will allow me to make this blog a priority again in my life.

We will be back to your regularly scheduled pagan friendly programming eventually.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

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