“How long til my soul gets it right”
The disquiet and disatisfaction I’ve been feeling for the past few years is resurfacing again. That in of itself is not much of a surprise.
When you do nothing to change a situation, out of depression or lack of choices or simply a sense of hopelessness, and squash your emotions relating to that situation into a little ball and swallow them, you cannot be surprised when those same feelings are regurgitated from time to time.
I’m unhappy at work. I’m unhappy with many aspects of my home life. I’m unhappy with who I’ve become, or more accurately I’m unhappy with how far away I am from the path I was once on. Unfortunately the problem, the stumbling block if you will, seems to be that I have no idea how to place myself back on that path.
I keep revisiting this topic here at 2 Witches, often enough that I am beginning to bore myself. I apologize for that. Unfortunately, there are not that many avenues open to me to discuss this the way I need to, to vent if you will hoping that in that eruption of ideas and emotions that I will stumble upon something, some small nugget that will lead me “home.”
Home, in the sense of being where I belong, my feet firmly on some path, my head and heart in line with my spirit.
Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out anything.
I know that I need companionship.
I know that I need time to myself.
I know that I need access to activities that feed my soul.
I know that I need some means of escape (from time to time, not permanently) from the seeming endless stream of stress and anxiety and depression triggers that come from my workplace, from problems at home, from friction between my father and myself.
What I fail to see is how to manage it, how to fit it in.
And yes this post is little more than a long and drawn out whine (I hope you have some nice cheese & crackers to go along with it). Maybe I’m just trying to shake myself out of sleepwalking through my life. Because, Gods know, that it has to stop.
I keep meaning to take a step back into ritual,toward honoring the Esbats and keeping the Sabbats. With each passing month I skip it again due to lack of time or space or privacy. But, those are just excuses. The reality my heart just isn’t in it. I’m sad, and lonely. I’m soul-sick.
I have also mean to take a step back into spellwork. I have planned more spells than I can count and backed out at the last minute because of, well frankly fear of the fallout, the unseen potentials that are opened (unleashed) when one sends energy out into the web of life.
And so I sit here struck again by the realization that I feel the same way that I’ve felt for the past 3 years. That despite days or even weeks when things are “better”, when I manage a glimmer of joy as opposed to just survival, that I keep returning to this dark night of the soul. I come to understand that some of my desire for a coven to belong to again is not just for the company and companionship for for the ability to have someplace to so “when (I am) so spiritually exhausted that (I) need to let somewhere else and someone else fill (me) back up”
Does that represent a personal failing on my part? Maybe.
Does that represent a basic human need, to be healed? I think so.
May I be healed! May you be healed! May we all be healed!
Blessings
Mama Kelly
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