I was raised Roman Catholic and while my parents were not religious I was.  From my communion to my confirmation I was “God’s”.   But, the older I got, the more reading I did, and the stronger my own convictions became I found less and less in the Catholic faith that I agreed with.  Like many other formerly Catholic Wiccans I’ve talked to or read over the years Mary stuck around the longest but eventually I realized that while I still believed in the Divine, I could no longer call myself a Christian, never mind a Roman Catholic. Losing my faith was hard, until I realized that my faith was fine, I just didn’t have a religion any longer to call home.

When I read my first real Wiccan book I knew I had a home again.  Dr. Martello’s book showed me that the things I believed made sense, that they had a name, I wasn’t weird, I was just a Witch.  And within a few months I had friends that had similar beliefs, as if by magic.   But, I spent a year on my own, honoring the Sabbats as best I could in my dorm room, or my bedroom in my parent’s house.  When I was invited to an open Candlemas ritual by a friend how could I say no? Years passed and I grew as a Witch with that circle, being initiated to third degree not long before the whole thing imploded. Since then the only times I have been in a group ritual have been at events such as Womongathering.

This year’s Imbolc/Candlemas marks the 20th anniversary of the first time I stepped foot in circle with a group.  I wish I could say that I remember that night in vivid detail.  The fact of the matter is 20 years is a long time, much has happened since that night and I was too nervous to pay attention to making memories.  What I can tell you is that I do remember the sheer joy I had in Wicca at that time.  While I do not feel that joy the same way – the exhuberance of youth is fleeting – Wicca is still the place I call home, even without complex rites or covenmates.  However, that does not mean that I do not on occassion experience whispers of disconnection or discontent and I am not alone.

Recently there has been an exodus of sorts in the online Pagan community away from Wicca. Rev. Hovey, who ran a “Wiccan church” has converted to Christianity, Dianne Sylvan no longer calls herself Wiccan, the hosts of the podcast Deo’s Shadow have announced that they now consider themselves atheist. I understand how one can outgrow a faith, to simply find that your own personal core beliefs have changed and no longer fit.  But also, with a religion such as Wicca which is growing and evolving so much so quickly it is also easy to feel as though the faith itself has moved on without you.  Or, at the very least, to look at what Wicca is today and find it unrecognizable in many ways as compared to the path 20 or more years ago. 

For now, I still choose to see the Divine as being at once unfathomably complex and present in my day to day life.  For now, I still choose to commune with the Divine as God and Goddess … Lord and Lady.  For now, I am still Wiccan.  But, the faith is changing and much like when my own beliefs evolved away from Catholicism, they may one day move me away from Wicca as well.

I won’t say what I think Wicca is or what Wicca should be.  I won’t be that presumptuous.  I will simply share what I wish it could be.  I wish I could walk into my neighborhood Wiccan Church, meet some likeminded people, worship together, and be part of a network of support (to receive and to give) in times of need.  I wish that the Wiccan faith was accurately portrayed on television and in movies even though without the shock value of sterotypes these portrayals may be fairly bland and boring.  I wish it was safer to live life outside of the closet.  But, for any of this to be possible at some point, Wicca will most likely have to convene a council much like they did in 1974 and hammer out what makes up the framework of Wiccan belief.  Individual Witches at some point will have to branch out of their living rooms, rec centers, and public parks (not that there is anything wrong with any of these venues) and create more in the way of permanent sacred places that are open to congragants and newcomers both. 

With the strong feeling so many Wiccans have about eclecticsm, autonomy, and personal freedom I am not sure if any of this would be attainable. But is still what I wish Wicca could become.

Here’s to the next 20 years of Wicca!

Here’s to the next 20 years of my personal spiritual journey!

Blessings

Mama Kelly

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