“Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don’t let show”
- Lean on Me, Bill Withers

I am so behind.

On my clutter control.
On my bill paying.
On my blogging.
On visits with friends & family.
On plans for turning Blade & Cauldron into a home business.

The summer has gone by in a flash while we deal with Miss Artistic. Her health issues … her mental health issues. Right now she is in an intensive outpatient program. She will continue to be there for at least a month into the school year while they provide an academic component.

This “cushion” of time will give us the opportunity to send a new request to the Superintendent of Schools for out of district placement. And, if we are again denied, have a long sit-down with her present high school to lay out a more aggressive plan to help Miss Artistic have a more successful year. Lady Rose’s husband Teacherman has offered to be our advocate in all of this and I am sorry to say that we will need his help as our district (or so we have been told) is notorious for fighting any request for these kinds of services.

This whole experience has been very humbling in that it is forcing me, us, to accept offers of help. Friends who have offered their time, their energies, their money … to help us help our daughter get well. And while I would offer my own help to any of them in a heartbeat, it is so hard to let go of the voices that speak to me in debasing whispers about what it says about me to need their support. It’s a lesson I’m still working on learning.

Blessings to each of you who has offered your help. To those who have lit candles or simply held us in your thoughts. It means more than I can ever say.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

“If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me”
- Lean on Me, Bill Withers

Buy it at Amazon – Lean On Me (Glee Cast Version)

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, family, life, mental illness

So Sunday evening found me enjoying the lingering afterglow of a lovely visit with my dear Lady Rose, a brief and uneventful visit with my extended family, and a happy teenager with a brand new hairdo.  I went off to work on Monday, tired but in a relatively good mood considering I was at the very beginning of a 40 hour week of telemarketing.

I made it to 10:30.

At this point I got a call from the school nurse informing me that Miss Artistic had passed out and vomited at school.  As Gamer Dude was at a Dr. appointment he had not gotten the phone call, so I quickly called Mr Grumpy and asked him to pick her up.  A bit later I got in touch with my husband and asked him to take Miss Artistic to her pediatrician.

Less than an hour later I got another phone call, this time Gamer Dude telling me that the Dr. wanted our daughter seen at the emergency room, and specifically NOT the one in our own community, but one almost 40 minutes away.  I told him to pick me up on the way, told my boss I was leaving, gathered my things and hurried down the stairs.

Six hours later we were leaving said ER, a little poorer, a lot more tired, and a bit confused about some brief ramblings about some odd findings on my daughter’s CT scan.

Miss Artistic’s CT scan showed” low hanging cerebellar tonsils”  Really.  The Dr. even made a joke about “bet you didn’t know your brain had tonsils? before walking off.

We were told very little other than to explain that it COULD have caused the blackout, that it could have caused the headache that preceded (and persisted beyond) it, and that it needed to be followed up with a visit to her pediatrician and an MRI.

Now, luckily (?) I am in the habit of researching diagnosed medical conditions ad nauseum. I have also been able to diagnose various conditions (accurately) in myself and my family members because of my internet habits. And so I came home and looked up the terminology the ER doctor used and found out what the hell she was talking about.

Apparently the condition we have to evaluate my daughter for is a Chiari Malformation.  We go to the pediatrician on Friday to discuss this in more depth and schedule an MRI and I will, of course, keep you all posted as we learn more.  She might not have it.  But, even if she does, there isonly a chance we are looking at surgery, so I am not letting myself “go there” yet.

In the meantime we were advised to send her to school, but keep her out of sports (ie Tae Kwon Do).

Tuesday morning came.  She didn’t want to go to school.  In the end I convinced her to go …. to make it through the day …. because she is in danger of missing so much class-time in her last period class that she might not get credit for taking it.

She didn’t.  She lasted a little more than 2 hours.

If she came home truly ill, we would’ve been fine with it.  But, she really wasn’t.  She just wanted to pull a “get out of jail free” card and have a “day off” with time to play on the computer and a friend coming over to hang out.  We refused her on both counts and she threw a tantrum.  A huge tantrum .. one of her worst yet, and that my dear readers is saying quite a bit.

Therapy was tonight and I guess we made something that you can call headway, but not easily and certainly not painfree.

So, once again, while things are not quite in full blown crisis we are at alert level orange.  My hope is to not fall into the silent abyss, but I also don’t know what tomorrow (and Friday) holds.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:chiari malformation, depression, fainting, oppositional-defiant disorder, teen, teenager

Well, I managed to have my nice day yesterday ….. somewhat.

I worked from 8:30-1 and came home with my friend “M2″ as planned. We hung out and chatted, got a few loads of laundry done for her, watched the season finale of Glee with Gamer Dude and the girls and had dinner.

In between all of this Lady Rose and her family stopped up to drop off a few bags of clothes (that she is now too thin to wear!!!!) and my girl scout cookie order. They only stayed a short while and drove off to enjoy the glorious spring weather.

It was a really nice day.

After “M2″ left we had an issue with Miss Artistic.

Whereas last night found us in crisis mode …. today, so far, things are better. For her anyway. Me? As time goes on (we’ve had her in treatment for depression, etc. for over 3 years) it takes me longer and longer to recover from her “episodes.”

So, here I sit on a holiday (while not a Christian family we celebrate Easter as a secular holiday – a belated Spring celebration) and I am just sad and weary.

The girls have already hunted for eggs (Princess Nature won as usual), the big basket they share has been emptied, and blueberry pancakes have been consumed (by them). We have a 2pm “dinner” reservation and a container of mini eclairs to have for dessert later this evening. So, hopefully we will be ale to claim some happiness yet from the day.

Blessings to you and yours

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, life

As usual, when I am feeling soul-sick, my blog posts dwindle down to the level of little to nothing. For that, I apologize. This is exacerbated by, as Lady Rose mentioned, the lack of a laptop which lessens the time I have to actually sit down and blog. Hopefully, in another couple of months this will be resolved (if nothing else I hope to be able to do it for my birthday in June)

Unfortunately, there are a number of other things that take precedence. There are the family issues to still resolve, the monthly medical bills (a total of 9 prescriptions (and counting) for 3 people, doctor visits, and therapy sessions), getting the taxes done, and hopefully getting a resume together at some point so I can look for a better job.

We first need to do some costly repairs on the car, we need to finally break down and purchase a second vehicle (so that I CAN actually look for another job), and we need to take care of some other impending expenses such as registering Princess Nature for summer camp.

In addition, I am still in the midst of playing catch up with my health. In addition to starting Prozac, I am now also on a cholesterol lowering drug. I went in for my eye exam (and am now the proud owner of a script for bifocals) and will be getting my eyeglasses in mid-April. My sleep study is set for the end of the month and I am trying to make peace with the knowledge that I may just wind up needing a bedside buddy (I think I’ll name him Henry). My follow-up appointment with my primary is on the 19th, where we’ll go over all of my lab results, talk about other aspects of my symptomology, and probably wind up with orders to see other Drs (i.e. a cardiologist). The gynecologist is on the list as well (though I am waiting to see if my labs still show me as non-menopausal in spite of a total hysterectomy and ovary removal).

Additionally, the girls need to get to the dentist (technically so do Gamer Dude and I as we haven’t been in YEARS) for their check-up and cleaning. And, we have to start the process of getting Miss Artistic evaluated for a breast reduction. Which, right now, we are hoping to do right after school lets out in June.

Speaking of the girls. Both Princess Nature and Miss Artistic have some kind of bug. It “feels” viral to me. Sore throat with no obvious signs of infection (redness, swelling, pus pockets), malaise, nausea, and a cough. No fevers, but still I am considering a trip to the pediatrician as it is the time of year for strep. The bulk of the weekend (so long as my Netflix shipment cooperates) will be spent watching Glee with one or both of them (in-between my usual marathon style cooking) while they rest and I force fluids into them.

In other news, I attended a wake last night for a friend of the family. “A” was one of my older cousin’s oldest friends. Since they grew up together and remained friends into adulthood, “A” was often in attendance at family functions over the years and while I didn’t know him well, or consider him a friend of my own, I still knew him my entire life. So, it was incredibly sad to hear that his car was struck on his evening commute by someone who ran a red light.

Beyond that I keep hearing this nagging thought in my head that reminds me of my own mortality. The voice that whispers that none of us know when the proverbial lightening bolt will fall from the sky bringing us to the end of this life. The voice that with increasing volume speaks to me not only of my regrets but of the realization that I have now been living with my life on hold for almost a decade, waiting for our life circumstances to allow me to be the person I want to be in full sight of the world.

Which brings me back full circle to one of the factors of my having been, to one degree or another, soul sick for the past too many years. Too much stress, too much heartache, too much hardship, with too little in my life to fill me back up. Hopefully getting myself back on track with my health will play a role in not only my feeling better physically but also in helping me have the energy to do the things that need to be done in order for me to reclaim the life I want to lead.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, family, health, life, stress

Well, I finally made it in to the Dr today. I went without my check list of issues, but managed to remember most of them.

He is starting me on Prozac for my depression and is strongly recommending therapy.  I don’t have a problem with the idea of a therapist, it’s more the finding room in the budget to pay for it on top of other ongoing medication bills and frequent Dr co-pays I am already juggling.

He is ordering a sleep study, not only because I am having multiple issues with getting any significant amount of restful sleep but because Gamer Dude says that I choke and stop breathing in my sleep.

He is ordering a bunch of blood work (including hormone levels to check on my ovarian remnant situation and tests for rheumatoid arthritis because of the crunchy joints) and has me scheduled for a follow-up visit with him in 6 weeks to go over all results.

Additionally he gave me a muscle relaxant script for my all-too-frequent headaches that don’t respond to anything over-the-counter, told me that I have to get a handle on the stress because its starting to affect my blood pressure, and was very firm in stating that I am in no way to sign up for Tae Kwon Do at this point and simply work on using our Wii Fit to gradually work on getting in shape.

When I go back just before Ostara I will address the other issues that I forgot to mention today.

So I may have failed to honor Imbolc in a circle or with a coven but I did honor part of my goal for myself this year which is to reclaim my true self – my health, my spirituality, my dreams.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:anxiety, depression, health, pain, sleep disorder

As a first step on what will be an eventual weight loss program I have started this week to rework my eating habits. I am not yet on a diet, but I am eliminating some bad habits, adding some nutritious choices, and logging what I am eating. In other words I am taking baby steps.

Today I brought some pretzels in with me to nibble on at work along with my canned pears, baby carrots, and Greek yogurt. I really don’t enjoy pretzels all that much (I’m more of a chip and dip girl) and so I tend to break them into little pieces before eating them a small nibble at a time.

Today I sat at work loathing my job, and feeling particularly low over where I am overall in my life and how far I am from where I would like to have been. Lately, it is not the depression that has been kicking my ass as much as it is the hopelessness that came along with it – the feeling that life will always suck so why bother trying. And while I can know logically that this is my off-balance brain chemistry talking it doesn’t really help me feel any better.

Anyway, as I was fiddling with my last pretzel – as I toyed with the last 3 pieces to nibble on I was struck by the fact that all three looked like letters.

So, I fiddled with them a bit more and realized that they spelled the word TRY.

I may not be able to feel my faith right now, my connection to the Gods may be frayed at best, but while I may have given up on life They apparently haven’t given up on me. It’s nice to know.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

PS Hubby is aware of the depths of the depression and I am going to the Dr on Thursday to get back on meds. No need to worry.

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression

Today will be a busy day but in a good way. Miss Artistic was dropped off this morning at her second (of a series of art classes and I will be leaving in a few minutes to pick her up and take Princess Nature to her flute lesson.

Afterward, we will be picking up Gamer Dude and running a few errands before coming home (perhaps trying to get in my Wii Fit, which I haven’t done in almost 2 weeks) and getting ready to go out to dinner for a belated birthday celebration.

Tomorrow will find me cooking for the coming week, Miss Artistic both catching up on missing assignments and studying for midterms, and Princess Nature working on a crystal radio she got for Xmas/Yule.

Things are mostly stable, though Miss Artistic continues to have a hard time both situationally and with the usual school and teenage angst issues. My own depression/anxiety is high and other health issues are flaring up as well. Luckily, I have my Dr. appointment this week which will allow me to perhaps look into not only medication, but some long overlooked diagnostic testing in an effort to get my health back on track.

I wish you all love and light and many blessings

Anon

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:birthday, depression, family, life

And so here we are 6 full days into the new year and still I have not been able to shake the malaise that’s been plaguing me and get back into blogging more regularly.

I think about the blog a lot. I think about you, our readers. I think about changes I’d like to make and writing I’d like to do, but the days have come and gone and still I sit in a morose silence while dust gathers on our pages and spiders take up residence spinning webs in the baps between meaningful posts. And this has to stop.

Normally this time of year would find me blogging about resolutions, about goals for the year, but, right now, my focus is on merely surviving. I have thoughts simmering. I have hopes for change and transformation. But, right now, we are simply existing one day at a time and, for now, that’s okay.

The past three weeks have been hell on wheels. Not only were we busy with holiday insanity, but we have been helping Miss Artistic deal with a crisis while trying to hold on to some semblance of normalcy for Princess Nature.

But, even still, we had lots of lovely visits with friends – “E”, Drama, Lady Rose & her crew, as well as M2. We were all spoiled with gifts and treasures and various yummy things. I was reminded, as I always am this time of year, how blessed I am to be loved, how lucky I am to be a wife & mother, how wonderful my friends are, and how precious good times are.

One positive change (and as of right now its pretty much the only one) I’ve made is that since starting using the Wii Fit Plus
the girls got for Xmas/Yule I have only skipped one night and I am averaging 20-30 minutes a night stepping, punching, and kicking my way to a healthier body and a lower weight. Granted I’ve used it exactly 10 times so the changes so far are pretty negligible. But, I am proud nonetheless that I have managed to stick with it.

And so while I spend more time that I am proud of shaking my fist at the sky and wondering “why me? why us? why this?” I look forward to 2010 and the potential it holds in terms of gifts, and blessings, and new opportunities.

May it be so for me and for each of you as well.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, family, life, New Year's

I have been exceedingly quiet of late. Thank goodness I have a wonderful blogging partner who picks up the slack when I slide into the abyss.

Our Christmas was lovely. Now that Santa no longer stops at our house I was able to focus more on quality as opposed to quantity in terms of what wound up under the tree. The result was two very happy children and even some shrieks of delight.

And, as this was the first year since we’ve had children (with the exception of a few times that Gamer Dude broke the agreement) that my hubby and I officially exchanged gifts it was fun for me as well. Especially as we had agreed on not only a budget, but on trying to get each other a bunch of small gifts instead of one larger one.

The following day was Miss Artistic’s birthday. Since we had already agreed that her “gift” was to go shopping for some new clothes there was little for her to open but we did enjoy both a trip to the movies to see Avatar and dinner out on Mr Grumpy.

The week that followed however left much to be desired. It was filled instead with little but irrational teenage temper tantrums, a horrible 4 days of telemarketing, and a resulting bad case of heartsickness by yours truly.

I am hoping that we can look forward to a better 2010. I have goals for myself, for my household, for my future. I am hoping that I am able to make some true progress toward them in the weeks and months ahead.

May each of you be blessed beyond your greatest hopes and dreams

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:Christmas, depression, holidays, teenager, Xmas

Some of it is the depression that I’ve spoken of far too often.

Some of it is stress and fatigue related to poor sleep and a crappy job.

Most of it is simply a matter of being busy.  Keeping the kids shuttled to 3 classes a week at the Tae Kwon Do school, keeping up with various age levels of homework and projects, working, cooking, and the beginnings of holiday shopping.

I find that when the time comes to sit down and blog that I have very little to say.  I even missed yesterday’s blogging of my blessings, for which I feel incredibly guilty.

That being said, I have to realize that one can only pump so much out of a well that has lost its source of fresh water.  While I have no intention of giving up on the blog, I also have to accept the fact that I will probably continue to have very little to say until I start filling myself up again.

That means making my own health and happiness a priority.

I’m not particularly good at that.

But, I have 20 lbs to lose to get back to where I was only a few short months ago, and then even more to lose to get down to a healthy weight.  To this end my Yule gift to myself this year will be enrolling in the girls’ Tae Kwon Do school.  The classes they go to are Teen/Adult and I sit in the back and watch them.  For the same lost time (and a bit more money) I can get a work out myself, get fit and lose weight.

I am going to make an effort to journal again – with real pen & paper – so that I can get my griping out and make room for the whispers of inspiration.  I am going to make use of prompts to battle the fear of the blank page and I am going to take out my Tarot cards more often to tune in to Spirit.

I am, come hell or high water, going to start working on the book I dream of writing.  I am going to figure out a schedule that will allow me specific blocks of time (even if I have to start with 30 minutes an evening) where I can start to compile notes into some type of cohesive format.

I believe that by giving myself permission to do things I enjoy, that by feeding my health in body, mind, & spirit, that by making room in my days & weeks for study & faith, that I will find that the well will once again be full of sweet water and that I will be able to quench my thirst, ease my weariness and find my voice again.

In the meantime …

This week I am grateful for the continuing ability to feed my family.

This week I am grateful to not be on the unemployment line.

This week I am grateful for having the money to begin my holiday shopping.

This week I am grateful to be almost over a wicked sinus infection.

This week I am grateful for the approach of Winter and the time it brings to look within.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, life, writers block