As usual, when I am feeling soul-sick, my blog posts dwindle down to the level of little to nothing. For that, I apologize. This is exacerbated by, as Lady Rose mentioned, the lack of a laptop which lessens the time I have to actually sit down and blog. Hopefully, in another couple of months this will be resolved (if nothing else I hope to be able to do it for my birthday in June)

Unfortunately, there are a number of other things that take precedence. There are the family issues to still resolve, the monthly medical bills (a total of 9 prescriptions (and counting) for 3 people, doctor visits, and therapy sessions), getting the taxes done, and hopefully getting a resume together at some point so I can look for a better job.

We first need to do some costly repairs on the car, we need to finally break down and purchase a second vehicle (so that I CAN actually look for another job), and we need to take care of some other impending expenses such as registering Princess Nature for summer camp.

In addition, I am still in the midst of playing catch up with my health. In addition to starting Prozac, I am now also on a cholesterol lowering drug. I went in for my eye exam (and am now the proud owner of a script for bifocals) and will be getting my eyeglasses in mid-April. My sleep study is set for the end of the month and I am trying to make peace with the knowledge that I may just wind up needing a bedside buddy (I think I’ll name him Henry). My follow-up appointment with my primary is on the 19th, where we’ll go over all of my lab results, talk about other aspects of my symptomology, and probably wind up with orders to see other Drs (i.e. a cardiologist). The gynecologist is on the list as well (though I am waiting to see if my labs still show me as non-menopausal in spite of a total hysterectomy and ovary removal).

Additionally, the girls need to get to the dentist (technically so do Gamer Dude and I as we haven’t been in YEARS) for their check-up and cleaning. And, we have to start the process of getting Miss Artistic evaluated for a breast reduction. Which, right now, we are hoping to do right after school lets out in June.

Speaking of the girls. Both Princess Nature and Miss Artistic have some kind of bug. It “feels” viral to me. Sore throat with no obvious signs of infection (redness, swelling, pus pockets), malaise, nausea, and a cough. No fevers, but still I am considering a trip to the pediatrician as it is the time of year for strep. The bulk of the weekend (so long as my Netflix shipment cooperates) will be spent watching Glee with one or both of them (in-between my usual marathon style cooking) while they rest and I force fluids into them.

In other news, I attended a wake last night for a friend of the family. “A” was one of my older cousin’s oldest friends. Since they grew up together and remained friends into adulthood, “A” was often in attendance at family functions over the years and while I didn’t know him well, or consider him a friend of my own, I still knew him my entire life. So, it was incredibly sad to hear that his car was struck on his evening commute by someone who ran a red light.

Beyond that I keep hearing this nagging thought in my head that reminds me of my own mortality. The voice that whispers that none of us know when the proverbial lightening bolt will fall from the sky bringing us to the end of this life. The voice that with increasing volume speaks to me not only of my regrets but of the realization that I have now been living with my life on hold for almost a decade, waiting for our life circumstances to allow me to be the person I want to be in full sight of the world.

Which brings me back full circle to one of the factors of my having been, to one degree or another, soul sick for the past too many years. Too much stress, too much heartache, too much hardship, with too little in my life to fill me back up. Hopefully getting myself back on track with my health will play a role in not only my feeling better physically but also in helping me have the energy to do the things that need to be done in order for me to reclaim the life I want to lead.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, family, health, life, stress

Well, I finally made it in to the Dr today. I went without my check list of issues, but managed to remember most of them.

He is starting me on Prozac for my depression and is strongly recommending therapy.  I don’t have a problem with the idea of a therapist, it’s more the finding room in the budget to pay for it on top of other ongoing medication bills and frequent Dr co-pays I am already juggling.

He is ordering a sleep study, not only because I am having multiple issues with getting any significant amount of restful sleep but because Gamer Dude says that I choke and stop breathing in my sleep.

He is ordering a bunch of blood work (including hormone levels to check on my ovarian remnant situation and tests for rheumatoid arthritis because of the crunchy joints) and has me scheduled for a follow-up visit with him in 6 weeks to go over all results.

Additionally he gave me a muscle relaxant script for my all-too-frequent headaches that don’t respond to anything over-the-counter, told me that I have to get a handle on the stress because its starting to affect my blood pressure, and was very firm in stating that I am in no way to sign up for Tae Kwon Do at this point and simply work on using our Wii Fit to gradually work on getting in shape.

When I go back just before Ostara I will address the other issues that I forgot to mention today.

So I may have failed to honor Imbolc in a circle or with a coven but I did honor part of my goal for myself this year which is to reclaim my true self – my health, my spirituality, my dreams.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:anxiety, depression, health, pain, sleep disorder

As a first step on what will be an eventual weight loss program I have started this week to rework my eating habits. I am not yet on a diet, but I am eliminating some bad habits, adding some nutritious choices, and logging what I am eating. In other words I am taking baby steps.

Today I brought some pretzels in with me to nibble on at work along with my canned pears, baby carrots, and Greek yogurt. I really don’t enjoy pretzels all that much (I’m more of a chip and dip girl) and so I tend to break them into little pieces before eating them a small nibble at a time.

Today I sat at work loathing my job, and feeling particularly low over where I am overall in my life and how far I am from where I would like to have been. Lately, it is not the depression that has been kicking my ass as much as it is the hopelessness that came along with it – the feeling that life will always suck so why bother trying. And while I can know logically that this is my off-balance brain chemistry talking it doesn’t really help me feel any better.

Anyway, as I was fiddling with my last pretzel – as I toyed with the last 3 pieces to nibble on I was struck by the fact that all three looked like letters.

So, I fiddled with them a bit more and realized that they spelled the word TRY.

I may not be able to feel my faith right now, my connection to the Gods may be frayed at best, but while I may have given up on life They apparently haven’t given up on me. It’s nice to know.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

PS Hubby is aware of the depths of the depression and I am going to the Dr on Thursday to get back on meds. No need to worry.

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression

Today will be a busy day but in a good way. Miss Artistic was dropped off this morning at her second (of a series of art classes and I will be leaving in a few minutes to pick her up and take Princess Nature to her flute lesson.

Afterward, we will be picking up Gamer Dude and running a few errands before coming home (perhaps trying to get in my Wii Fit, which I haven’t done in almost 2 weeks) and getting ready to go out to dinner for a belated birthday celebration.

Tomorrow will find me cooking for the coming week, Miss Artistic both catching up on missing assignments and studying for midterms, and Princess Nature working on a crystal radio she got for Xmas/Yule.

Things are mostly stable, though Miss Artistic continues to have a hard time both situationally and with the usual school and teenage angst issues. My own depression/anxiety is high and other health issues are flaring up as well. Luckily, I have my Dr. appointment this week which will allow me to perhaps look into not only medication, but some long overlooked diagnostic testing in an effort to get my health back on track.

I wish you all love and light and many blessings

Anon

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:birthday, depression, family, life

And so here we are 6 full days into the new year and still I have not been able to shake the malaise that’s been plaguing me and get back into blogging more regularly.

I think about the blog a lot. I think about you, our readers. I think about changes I’d like to make and writing I’d like to do, but the days have come and gone and still I sit in a morose silence while dust gathers on our pages and spiders take up residence spinning webs in the baps between meaningful posts. And this has to stop.

Normally this time of year would find me blogging about resolutions, about goals for the year, but, right now, my focus is on merely surviving. I have thoughts simmering. I have hopes for change and transformation. But, right now, we are simply existing one day at a time and, for now, that’s okay.

The past three weeks have been hell on wheels. Not only were we busy with holiday insanity, but we have been helping Miss Artistic deal with a crisis while trying to hold on to some semblance of normalcy for Princess Nature.

But, even still, we had lots of lovely visits with friends – “E”, Drama, Lady Rose & her crew, as well as M2. We were all spoiled with gifts and treasures and various yummy things. I was reminded, as I always am this time of year, how blessed I am to be loved, how lucky I am to be a wife & mother, how wonderful my friends are, and how precious good times are.

One positive change (and as of right now its pretty much the only one) I’ve made is that since starting using the Wii Fit Plus
the girls got for Xmas/Yule I have only skipped one night and I am averaging 20-30 minutes a night stepping, punching, and kicking my way to a healthier body and a lower weight. Granted I’ve used it exactly 10 times so the changes so far are pretty negligible. But, I am proud nonetheless that I have managed to stick with it.

And so while I spend more time that I am proud of shaking my fist at the sky and wondering “why me? why us? why this?” I look forward to 2010 and the potential it holds in terms of gifts, and blessings, and new opportunities.

May it be so for me and for each of you as well.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, family, life, New Year's

I have been exceedingly quiet of late. Thank goodness I have a wonderful blogging partner who picks up the slack when I slide into the abyss.

Our Christmas was lovely. Now that Santa no longer stops at our house I was able to focus more on quality as opposed to quantity in terms of what wound up under the tree. The result was two very happy children and even some shrieks of delight.

And, as this was the first year since we’ve had children (with the exception of a few times that Gamer Dude broke the agreement) that my hubby and I officially exchanged gifts it was fun for me as well. Especially as we had agreed on not only a budget, but on trying to get each other a bunch of small gifts instead of one larger one.

The following day was Miss Artistic’s birthday. Since we had already agreed that her “gift” was to go shopping for some new clothes there was little for her to open but we did enjoy both a trip to the movies to see Avatar and dinner out on Mr Grumpy.

The week that followed however left much to be desired. It was filled instead with little but irrational teenage temper tantrums, a horrible 4 days of telemarketing, and a resulting bad case of heartsickness by yours truly.

I am hoping that we can look forward to a better 2010. I have goals for myself, for my household, for my future. I am hoping that I am able to make some true progress toward them in the weeks and months ahead.

May each of you be blessed beyond your greatest hopes and dreams

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:Christmas, depression, holidays, teenager, Xmas

Some of it is the depression that I’ve spoken of far too often.

Some of it is stress and fatigue related to poor sleep and a crappy job.

Most of it is simply a matter of being busy.  Keeping the kids shuttled to 3 classes a week at the Tae Kwon Do school, keeping up with various age levels of homework and projects, working, cooking, and the beginnings of holiday shopping.

I find that when the time comes to sit down and blog that I have very little to say.  I even missed yesterday’s blogging of my blessings, for which I feel incredibly guilty.

That being said, I have to realize that one can only pump so much out of a well that has lost its source of fresh water.  While I have no intention of giving up on the blog, I also have to accept the fact that I will probably continue to have very little to say until I start filling myself up again.

That means making my own health and happiness a priority.

I’m not particularly good at that.

But, I have 20 lbs to lose to get back to where I was only a few short months ago, and then even more to lose to get down to a healthy weight.  To this end my Yule gift to myself this year will be enrolling in the girls’ Tae Kwon Do school.  The classes they go to are Teen/Adult and I sit in the back and watch them.  For the same lost time (and a bit more money) I can get a work out myself, get fit and lose weight.

I am going to make an effort to journal again – with real pen & paper – so that I can get my griping out and make room for the whispers of inspiration.  I am going to make use of prompts to battle the fear of the blank page and I am going to take out my Tarot cards more often to tune in to Spirit.

I am, come hell or high water, going to start working on the book I dream of writing.  I am going to figure out a schedule that will allow me specific blocks of time (even if I have to start with 30 minutes an evening) where I can start to compile notes into some type of cohesive format.

I believe that by giving myself permission to do things I enjoy, that by feeding my health in body, mind, & spirit, that by making room in my days & weeks for study & faith, that I will find that the well will once again be full of sweet water and that I will be able to quench my thirst, ease my weariness and find my voice again.

In the meantime …

This week I am grateful for the continuing ability to feed my family.

This week I am grateful to not be on the unemployment line.

This week I am grateful for having the money to begin my holiday shopping.

This week I am grateful to be almost over a wicked sinus infection.

This week I am grateful for the approach of Winter and the time it brings to look within.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, life, writers block

This will probably be a little hard to follow so bear with me.

The past few months I’ve been stressed beyond my max, more so than I have even blogged about.  I haven’t really been sleeping.  I’ve been emotional eating like mad, gaining about 20 lbs since August.  I’ve been irritable and anxious and sad and just not fun to be around.  I haven’t even been enjoying my own company.

Some of it came form the normal stresses associated with finances, and a teenager with emotional issues, and too close living quarters, and living with my father – in other words the usual stuff.  But, the bulk of it came from being shifted into a new department at my place of work.

Now, I work in a place that is appropriately nicknamed (at least in my house) as Hell.  As I have ranted about before I get no sick time, no vacation, no benefits to speak of and am regularly treated like shit stuck to someone’s shoe, if not by the people on the phone then by management itself.

The new department I was moved to “seemed” to be an answer to a prayer in the beginning.  There was commission.  We were pretty much left alone.  Numbers were good, so no one was complaining.  The extra money was nice.  I was still crazy, but my paycheck somewhat more closely resembled a livable wage and at least that was something in the way of compensation for my increasing emotional instability.  But, more recently things went downhill.

First commission was cut in half.  Then limits were put on how many “sales” per household.  Then, the results started to drop rapidly.

This past Monday I left work with only 3 sales (it earned me a whopping $10 extra in commission for the day),  a far cry from the 6 or 7 I was able to pull off per day (and an extra $50 or so) just a couple of weeks prior.  My frustration was exacerbated by some sniping from my manager when I asked for suggestions and support.

I left emotionally spent, angry, and a bit overwrought.  As I drove home I started to cry and asked the Gods to please. please get me out of that department.

Tuesday came and I worked hard at being peppier and cheerier only to get hang up after hang up and 1 sale all day for my trouble.  At 4pm our manager came over, told us to sign off, and announced that effective immediately our new department (only in existence since August) was dead and we were reassigned to other departments as of the following morning.

I was lucky in that I went back to my original department (others were moved into departments they might not have chosen otherwise).  Yes, it would’ve been nice to go into another commission based department (because now I’ve effectively lost about $4000 a year).  But, at least I am where I have consistently done well, where I have friends, where I know what to do and how to do it.  But, what worries me is that on top of having lost my commission, I may be at risk for a pay cut too.

Hourly wage where I work is based on a chart that is based on performance, a chart mind you that has never been adjusted for either inflation or the impact of the “do not call list” on our companies ability to produce said numbers. This pay scale is the same it was when I was hired 8 years ago.

It is based on a numeric formula of how many people show up (for these free chiropractic appointments we schedule all over the US) per every 4 hours you work.  That’s it.  Not how hard you work, not how reliable you are, not how long you have been there, or if you are cross-trained on multiple tasks.  Raises are only granted based on the chart, but can be denied at whim.  No one is given an annual review, never mind a cost of living increase, even as our health insurance premiums go up another 7.5% effective 12/1.

My hourly wage is based on my ability to “hold” a certain statistical average if you will.  Unfortunately, even though I didn’t leave the company, even though I was asked to move to this new department start-up, even though I was only gone a few months, I am being forced to start over with my stats like a new hire and “prove myself.”  The other tasks I am cross-trained for, one of which I used to be a team lead for and ran a Sunday shift for, I am disallowed until I “earn them back.”

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be that worried.  My stats had kept me in the “top 10″ in the department for over a year before I was moved.  But, historically this time of year is the positively worst time to try to build up your stats.  In fact, this time of year (between now and after New Year’s) is when stats have always been historically low.  And this time last year (yes right before the holidays) they were cutting pay.

And so I kill myself to be perky and professional and rebuttal my ass off and so far its working.  Its emotionally exhausting, but its working.  Tomorrow is a half day and then I am back to 39 hours a week cold calling.

Timed the way it has been I cannot help but look at this move as an answer to a prayer.  I am trying to trust that all will be well and that it will work out in the end, but it’s hard.

And so I return you a quieter than usual blog.  Although after this rant you’ll probably enjoy the alternative.  I beg your patience as I find my groove again at work.  I beg your patience while I work through ever increasing levels of anxiety and depression.  I beg your patience while I try to find solid footing which will allow me to make this blog a priority again in my life.

We will be back to your regularly scheduled pagan friendly programming eventually.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, job, work

“How long til my soul gets it right”

“Galileo”, The Indigo Girls

The disquiet and disatisfaction I’ve been feeling for the past few years is resurfacing again.  That in of itself is not much of a surprise.

When you do nothing to change a situation, out of depression or lack of choices or simply a sense of hopelessness, and squash your emotions relating to that situation into a little ball and swallow them, you cannot be surprised when those same feelings are regurgitated from time to time.

I’m unhappy at work.  I’m unhappy with many aspects of my home life. I’m unhappy with who I’ve become, or more accurately I’m unhappy with how far away I am from the path I was once on.  Unfortunately the problem, the stumbling block if you will, seems to be that I have no idea how to place myself back on that path.

I keep revisiting this topic here at 2 Witches, often enough that I am beginning to bore myself. I apologize for that.  Unfortunately, there are not that many avenues open to me to discuss this the way I need to, to vent if you will hoping that in that eruption of ideas and emotions that I will stumble upon something, some small nugget that will lead me “home.”

Home, in the sense of being where I belong, my feet firmly on some path, my head and heart in line with my spirit.

Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out anything.

I know that I need companionship.

I know that I need time to myself.

I know that I need access to activities that feed my soul.

I know that I need some means of escape (from time to time, not permanently) from the seeming endless stream of stress and anxiety and depression triggers that come from my workplace, from problems at home, from friction between my father and myself.

What I fail to see is how to manage it, how to fit it in.

And yes this post is little more than a long and drawn out whine (I hope you have some nice cheese & crackers to go along with it).   Maybe I’m just trying to shake myself out of sleepwalking through my life. Because, Gods know, that it has to stop.

I keep meaning to take a step back into ritual,toward honoring the Esbats and keeping the Sabbats.  With each passing month I skip it again due to lack of time or space or privacy.  But, those are just excuses.  The reality my heart just isn’t in it. I’m sad, and lonely. I’m soul-sick.

I have also mean to take a step back into spellwork.  I have planned more spells than I can count and backed out at the last minute because of, well frankly fear of the fallout, the unseen potentials that are opened (unleashed) when one sends energy out into the web of life.

And so I sit here struck again by the realization that I feel the same way that I’ve felt for the past 3 years.  That despite days or even weeks when things are “better”, when I manage a glimmer of joy as opposed to just survival, that I keep returning to this dark night of the soul.  I come to understand that some of my desire for a coven to belong to again is not just for the company and companionship for for the ability to have someplace to so “when (I am) so spiritually exhausted that (I) need to let somewhere else and someone else fill (me) back up”

Does that represent a personal failing on my part? Maybe.

Does that represent a basic human need, to be healed? I think so.

May I be healed! May you be healed! May we all be healed!

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression

* all links are to older posts

So the other day found me in Walgreens.  I had to pick up a couple of birthday cards for Princess Nibbles who will be turning 10 tomorrow.  As I perused the “daughter” cards I kept getting all misty and not in a good way …. in that “I’m so depressed I could just curl up right here and cry” kind of way.

The feeling has been with me for a couple of days now and I finally put my finger on the problem – it’s October.

Now, regular readers of this blog will know that I really hate October.  Most of it is what I can only describe as PTSD.  Now this is not an official diagnosis and I mean no disrespect to those who suffer from the syndrome, but its the simplest way I can describe what this time of year does to me.

It brings back a slew of bad memories of Octobers past ranging from suffering a miscarriage, to almost losing Princess Nibbles to a placental abruption, to almost losing Miss Artistic when she ran away 2 years ago, to sitting holding my mother’s hand as she lost her battle with pancreatic cancer and drew her last breath.  There are also lesser evils that I associate with this month, including a roommate sleeping with a boyfriend of mine an eon ago, and other family members who have passed, and miscellaneous sorrows and disappointments.

The result is that I spend most of October trying to ignore the date on the calendar (other than the aforementioned birthday and Samhain) and hold my breath until November.

And so I tend to well up at odd moments, like watching “feel good” commercials and reading through saccharine sweet greeting cards.

I know myself well enough to know that by the time I wake up on Halloween morning and prepare to fill my cauldron with candy and don my Mrs. Wesley outfit I will be over it and ready to take on the holiday season by storm.

Its just a matter of waiting it out and knowing that every year gets a little easier.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, October