I am a fan of the blog, Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom, and would love to be able to meet Mrs B in real life one day. Today she posted a Pagan Blog Prompt on her site which asked the question

“Today, think about what the most frustrating part of being a pagan is. Being “in the broom closet”? The cost of gathering appropriate tools? Finding the time to actually get out in nature? Not being able to find other pagans in your area? Then consider what you can do to change that thing”

All I can say is how funny (sad?) it was that this is that I came home tonight of all nights to read this.

Because tonight I had the opportunity to share my faith with a woman who is quickly becoming a friend.

Now granted, our main connection is that our kids are friends – best friends as only teenage girls can be – and my willingness to support her as she tries to make a business out of selling Mary Kay. But, there is a connection there aside from both of those things.

The main reason it has not had the opportunity to blossom is me. My insecurity. My fear.  Because, if I let her get close, she’s going to find out who I am, and what I believe, and the W word is going to have to rear its all too often misunderstood head.

I’ve spoken before about how I live an opposite life. I am out of the broom closet outside the home – at work, among my friends, etc. and in the closet in my home, among my family, around most people who have a connection to my children – teachers, neighbors, friends’ parents, and friends (though as my books are in plain sight once you come upstairs for sleepovers most of the kids in this group suspect I’m sure).

I really like “C”. She’s sweet and funny. I like her husband too, and actually think that they would even make good “couple friends”.

But … what if they find out I’m a Witch and no longer let Miss Artistic be friends with “S”?

What if she, like other “friends” I’ve had before, decide that they can’t be friends with me without trying to save me? Because as the song goes …

“And while I breathe this glorious air,
an outlaw I’ll remain;
My body will not be subdued
and I will not be saved.”

- “Heretic Heart”, words by Catherine Madsen

Not to imply that there is anything inherantly wrong with the Christian faith, of course.

What if she finds out I’m a Witch and just doesn’t like me anymore?

Anyway, we were talking tonight on the way home from a Mary Kay Customer Appreciation Night. I was happy to go and support her and her hopefully soon to be blossoming business. As we drove the conversation drew a little more personal than ever before … touching on mental health issues, finances, hardships of one kind or another. Nothing terribly dramatic, but the gentle wing brush of true friendship.

But, in those moments we also touched on religion and a moment came where I felt compelled to explain that I wasn’t a Christian. Which of course begged the question of what religion I was.

I dodged it.

After over 20 years as a Witch, with the ability I have to be a Witch at my job, with my past which has seen me do a presentation on the basics of my faith both to a 3rd grade Montessori class nigh on 17 years ago and at my local college just about 2, with the tattoos of a Goddess and a pentacle on my back … I choked.

I said that the closest I could probably explain my beliefs was that I was a Unitarian – a term which I could define in a sentance, a term which satisfied her, and she could easily relate to.

In that moment I was afraid to tell her what I was. I didn’t want to lose a friend to preconceived notions, and media-based lies. In short, I hid in the closet, something I’m embarrassed about.

And it was stupid. Because at some point the truth will come out – out of necessity, or because at some moment I’ll relax, I’ll slip into my real persona and do or say something so out of the ordinary (for her anyway) that the topic will have to be revisited.

Because while for a while I can stay here (the hangers falling on your head aren’t so bad once you get used to it) and continue to sing

“And if I cannot shout aloud,
I’ll sing it secretly,
My skin, my bones, my heretic heart
are my authority. “

- “Heretic Heart”, words by Catherine Madsen

I cannot stay in the closet forever.

At some point, as she becomes more enmeshed in my life … as she becomes more of a friend in my heart … and honestly and truly I’m not sure how it will go.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:friendship, in the broom closet, religion

Hubby had a surprise for me when I came home today.  Despite his protestations about how much time I spend on facebook, Gamer Dude has come over to the dark side and signed up with his own account.   I knew he would eventually.  I am hoping that he is able to reconnect with people from his own past, former band-mates, etc.

I had a surprise for him as well.

A young friend of mine through work and I sat next to each other at work Sunday and spent most of the day talking about tattoos and music.  I so enjoyed our conversation!!  He turned me on to two musicians and when he found out that my hubby was into Coheed & Cambria immidiately offered to burn him a couple of CDs and came into work today with not only those, but CDs for me as well (Andy McKee and City and Colour).

Hubby was very pleased, and I am looking forward to popping a CD into the stereo on my way to work in the morning!

Speaking of work, I hate my job.  There is no denying that.  I am grateful to it because in this economy there is no job that anyone should take for granted and because it provides me with medical insurance (albeit sub-par and high-cost). I am grateful to it in spite of the strong desire I had at 8:55 this morning to flip off my manager and walk out forever.

But, I am also grateful to it for all of the wonderful people it has allowed me to meet, “B” is one of those people.  Big hugs to him (and to his sweetie “A”) just for being who he is, even though he doesn’t read this blog.*

For the most part I am out of the broom closet at work and have been known to blurt out “Oh Sweet Goddess” in places where others might utter “Oh My God.”  But, there are times when it is a kinder and gentler world to simply avoid saying anything.

One day he’ll catch sight of the pentacle around my neck, or the one tattooed on my back, or I’ll say something in conversation that will lead to the question being asked.  And I will answer.  And hopefully it won’t matter a bit.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

* his finding out I’m a Witch might just make his head explode as he is a good Christian boy

Written by Mama KellyTags:broom closet, friendship, music

Our regular readers are aware that I recently connected with some old friends. I haven’t spoken to some since my teens and others I was in sporadic contact with through my early 30s.

One effect of this is that the depth of my all too frequent depression has begun to ease, and another is that my creative juices are once again simmering as my more frequent postings can attest to. But, another “side effect” is that for the past few days I’ve been sleeping deeper and better than I have in, frankly, the last couple of years – complete with dreams and the feeling upon waking that I have actually slept.

Granted, I’ve been sick with a nasty upper respiratory infection and have been taking a Codeine based cough syrup at bedtime, but sleep aids haven’t helped me before so I believe that something deeper is going on. Something within me is healing, finally, and I am beginning to believe that perhaps there is hope for the future I want to create after all.

I am not generally a proponent of the belief that “everything happens for a reason.” Sometimes the Gods/Fate/whathaveyou directly intervene in our lives and there is a greater purpose behind our moments of pain or pleasure. Other times – stuff just happens out of poor judgment, circumstance, other people, or just plain bad luck. I do however believe we are all challenged to find purpose in the events of our lives. I believe that we are each called to look for lessons, for opportunities for growth, and for ways to turn bad situations around.

But this reunion, this gathering of friends, seems more than just coincidence. As I wrote the other day “this feels like getting the perfect present, one so amazing that you would never have thought to ask for it, or didn’t even know was possible to receive.”

Whether there is a greater plan behind it I do not know, but I do know that I am grateful for it, for as long as it may last, as it is a true blessing in my life. I also know that I intend to use it to help move past the stagnation of the past years and move forward into the second half of my life with greater purpose.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:friendship

My husband hates Facebook.

More accurately he hates my addiction to it.  Truth be told I’m getting bored with the apps and the games, but what I remain hooked on are the connections that I am reforming.  Or more accurately are being reformed for me by hands not my own.

I have been lamenting about being a witch alone, alone aside from my beloved Lady Rose that is, and suddenly I am surrounded by friends … now granted not all of them are Pagan, but more of them are than I would’ve actually believed.  And now this group of former Catholics are planning how they can, across the distance, see if they can make magic happen.

I could weep.  Not from sorrow, not even quite from joy, but from relief.

You see, in my real life, I am so far in the broomcloset that I’ve fallen through the back into another world, except it isn’t quite Narnia.  In her book, The Fifth Sacred Thing, Starhawk speaks of the good reality and the bad reality and that by our works, by our magic, and mainly by our focus and intent we decide which world we live in.

By actively seeking out my old friends  I changed my reality. I may not have found a paddle yet, but suddenly mu little boat has a cooler chest in it, full of things which nourish me. And while it still isn’t Narnia, and may never be so, suddenly the shore doesn’t seem so far, the unknown doesn’t seem quite so threatening, and I’m beginning to think the time may be coming to just fucking swim.

I want to thank all the gods and goddesses, all the many faces of the Eternal One, for the gift of these people in my life again. Your 2×4 is a bitch, but when you bless someone, you really really bless someone.

That is all

Mama Kelly

PS  My husband would like to make it clear that he in no way encourages the broomcloset, in fact he hates the closet more than he hates Facebook.  He just wants me to find a way to put the laptop down every so often.

Written by Mama KellyTags:friendship

“‘Tis the gift to have friends and a true friend to be,
‘Tis the gift to think of others not to only think of me,
And when we hear what others really think and really feel,
Then we’ll all live together with a love that is real.”

shaker song – elder joseph brackett – 1848

from World Prayers

Download a lovely version of it – Simple Gifts

As I’ve mentioned, overtime has been cut at work and I am back to working Sunday through Thursday, making my “weekend” Friday and Saturday.

My friend “E” came up from her home 4 hours away and spent about 20 hours total with us.  “E” was one of the very first friends I met when we moved to this town in the December of my Junior year of High School.  I could not love her more if she were my own blood.  My husband loves her “like family” as well and she is an Aunt to my girls.  When she called late Tuesday night I knew something was wrong and I am sorry to say that she’s been having a rough time. 

I offered her “whatever she wanted” to eat.  She arrived about 10am Friday morning and I already had a pot of pasta sauce simmering on the stove as it was what she requested.  We had a nice day and a restful evening and we were happy to be a “safe haven” for her and surround her with our love and affection.

She left a little after 6am on Saturday and I was very sad to see her go but my spirit is lifted by the knowledge that she may be coming up in September. 

I tackled a little more decluttering and by 2:30pm Lady Rose and AngelGirl were up for a visit.  I do not get to see my Goddess-daughter very often and I was thrilled to see her, albeit briefly, before her dad picked her up in the early evening so she could attend a sleepover at a friend’s house.

Lady Rose and I spent our time chit-chatting and working out some more of the details regarding our plans for moving 2Witches to its own domain.  Our target date for a grand opening is still at Samhain.  We also did some “free tarot readings” which will be appearing over the next couple of weeks over at Stir the Cauldron and we laughed a lot.

It was a blessed and much needed respite from my depression and anxiety to have some of my favorite people around me. 

Sometimes I feel very very lucky

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:friendship

I send out words in praise of the Goddess,
from whom all worlds flow.
Mystery of mysteries, this continual creation,
like a fountain forever bubbling up from the Earth’s darkness,
she is a cup that is never empty.
Generous One, eternally giving gifts,
I pray to you, I praise you,
I remember you throughout my day.

- Ceisiwr Serith
A Book of Pagan Prayer

Today I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for Lady Rose & her husband Teacher Man who brought us the gift of their company yesterday.

I am grateful for the pizza and pasta, breaksticks & dessert they brought with them which brought such delight to Princess Nibbles who thinks Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza is sheer bliss.

I am grateful for Lady Rose’s generosity for bringing me to Womongathering for my birthday and for her picking up several of the odds and ends that such travel tends to require.

I am grateful for Miss Artistic attending not one but two birthday parties this weekend for friends who accept & understand her depression issues and love her anyway.

I am grateful that 23 years ago (as on June 8th) I went to a party and met (and fell for) a tall young man in a grey cap who would become my very best friend for the rest of my life.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:friendship, prayer

What can I say about Lady Rose except to tell you that she is one of the best people I know and one of the coolest friends in the world.  My birthday is next weekend and for my birthday she had planned, with my father and husband, to steal me away.

Now generally Lady Rose and her daughter come to my house once a month or so for she and I to “hang out” and for the kiddies to play. So, I had thought that this weekend was simply one of our usual get-togethers. Instead I was told Thursday to be packed and ready to go by noon on Saturday and that I would not be returning until Sunday evening.

Not only did we have a lovely, restful weekend. Not only did she have meals and snacks planned and wouldn’t let me do ANYTHING. But, she brought up meals on both Sat and Sun so that my family would be fed without me having to take care of it.

So I was spoiled and pampered and we talked out alot of issues that I can’t with hubby and children in earshot. I feel like I have the beginnings of a game plan to get back the ME that I want to be. And we had fun. We laughed and joked and listened to music. And we watched a “chick flick”, The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio.

I thought the film would be upbeat and funny and it was something very different. Instead it was the story of a woman who overcame great odds to take care of her family. A woman who believed in choosing to have a positive outlook even when life tried to suck the joy right out of her. I found the movie to be quite inspiring. I feel compelled to find the energy to try harder and do more to try and improve our overall quality of life.

The book on which the movie was based was written by one of her 10 children.  And you can read a sample chapter here.

Anyway, I came home not only feeling special and loved but like my spirit got a jump start. And, as I said, a game plan to try and make life better. Not just for me, but for my family overall. And, as if all of this wasn’t enough, I got 2 bags of goodies. Music and Tshirts and tea (as well as chocolate chai) and a thermos for work and GOJI BERRIES which we jokingly referred to as “magic berries” and other goodies. She really went above and beyond and spent TOOOOOOO much money and now I have to get even you understand. And I have till October to figure out a plan. heh heh heh

Then her hubby got into the act and invited me to accompany them to a Bruce Springsteen concert in a few weeks.

Am I not the luckiest birthday girl in the world???

And it’s not even my birthday yet!!! That’s on Saturday.

For someone who was dreading hitting 37 my spirits are definately lifted and I feel like, for the first time in a long while, that many things are again possible.

Only a best friend can turn a birthday into more than a celebration and turn it into a period of spiritual rejuvination as well.

Thank you so much Lady Rose. I love you so much.
You are the bestest!!!

The family survived quite nicely while I was off being the wayward wife and missing mommy. Hubby took the girls out to see X-Men – The Last Stand, which was met with mixed reviews and so I will now wait to see it on DVD. The girls were okay and even my 6 year-old who cried every time I talked about leaving during Thursday and Friday managed to not cry while I was away.

My oldest daughter got a haircut while I was gone. I was the one that set it up and talked about style with the hairdresser but daddy had to take her because I was unavailable. LOL Its short and layered and is supposed to take advantage of her natural curl and be wash n go as she can’t be bothered with hair dryers, etc. Heck half the time it is a fight to get her to brush it. So I decided that it wasn’t worth the constant fighting and we all think its very very cute and flaterring. Her opinion is still out until she sees what it looks like tomorrow. My stylist blew it dry and used the curling iron on it after her cut so it was too “puffy” for her taste. But I think that when she sees how much easier it will be to take care of, she’ll love it.

And if not? It’ll grow.

Anyway that’s a recap of my weekend. I hope you are all well and happy

Blessings

Written by Mama KellyTags:friendship, life