As usual, when I am feeling soul-sick, my blog posts dwindle down to the level of little to nothing. For that, I apologize. This is exacerbated by, as Lady Rose mentioned, the lack of a laptop which lessens the time I have to actually sit down and blog. Hopefully, in another couple of months this will be resolved (if nothing else I hope to be able to do it for my birthday in June)

Unfortunately, there are a number of other things that take precedence. There are the family issues to still resolve, the monthly medical bills (a total of 9 prescriptions (and counting) for 3 people, doctor visits, and therapy sessions), getting the taxes done, and hopefully getting a resume together at some point so I can look for a better job.

We first need to do some costly repairs on the car, we need to finally break down and purchase a second vehicle (so that I CAN actually look for another job), and we need to take care of some other impending expenses such as registering Princess Nature for summer camp.

In addition, I am still in the midst of playing catch up with my health. In addition to starting Prozac, I am now also on a cholesterol lowering drug. I went in for my eye exam (and am now the proud owner of a script for bifocals) and will be getting my eyeglasses in mid-April. My sleep study is set for the end of the month and I am trying to make peace with the knowledge that I may just wind up needing a bedside buddy (I think I’ll name him Henry). My follow-up appointment with my primary is on the 19th, where we’ll go over all of my lab results, talk about other aspects of my symptomology, and probably wind up with orders to see other Drs (i.e. a cardiologist). The gynecologist is on the list as well (though I am waiting to see if my labs still show me as non-menopausal in spite of a total hysterectomy and ovary removal).

Additionally, the girls need to get to the dentist (technically so do Gamer Dude and I as we haven’t been in YEARS) for their check-up and cleaning. And, we have to start the process of getting Miss Artistic evaluated for a breast reduction. Which, right now, we are hoping to do right after school lets out in June.

Speaking of the girls. Both Princess Nature and Miss Artistic have some kind of bug. It “feels” viral to me. Sore throat with no obvious signs of infection (redness, swelling, pus pockets), malaise, nausea, and a cough. No fevers, but still I am considering a trip to the pediatrician as it is the time of year for strep. The bulk of the weekend (so long as my Netflix shipment cooperates) will be spent watching Glee with one or both of them (in-between my usual marathon style cooking) while they rest and I force fluids into them.

In other news, I attended a wake last night for a friend of the family. “A” was one of my older cousin’s oldest friends. Since they grew up together and remained friends into adulthood, “A” was often in attendance at family functions over the years and while I didn’t know him well, or consider him a friend of my own, I still knew him my entire life. So, it was incredibly sad to hear that his car was struck on his evening commute by someone who ran a red light.

Beyond that I keep hearing this nagging thought in my head that reminds me of my own mortality. The voice that whispers that none of us know when the proverbial lightening bolt will fall from the sky bringing us to the end of this life. The voice that with increasing volume speaks to me not only of my regrets but of the realization that I have now been living with my life on hold for almost a decade, waiting for our life circumstances to allow me to be the person I want to be in full sight of the world.

Which brings me back full circle to one of the factors of my having been, to one degree or another, soul sick for the past too many years. Too much stress, too much heartache, too much hardship, with too little in my life to fill me back up. Hopefully getting myself back on track with my health will play a role in not only my feeling better physically but also in helping me have the energy to do the things that need to be done in order for me to reclaim the life I want to lead.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, family, health, life, stress

Today marks the first day of the last “lazy weekend” until after New Year’s.  The only thing that absolutely must be done is to drop off the kids at individual sleep-overs (one being for a birthday party) and to drive by the Mall and pick up jewelry I had dropped off to be re-sized.

Granted, there are other things I SHOULD be doing.  I should get some things done in terms of cleaning and organization as I would still like to see Miss Artistic in her own room by Yule.  I should clean my bathrooms.  I should start packing away some Thanksgiving food into the freezer. I should try and organize the mass of paper that came from dismantling Gamer Dude’s desk and moving its contents onto and around the desk in our bedroom.

I should do some more holiday shopping (as well as pick up a birthday gift for the Elder who will be 15 the day after Xmas).  I should think about starting the wrapping.  I should start the cards as well.

Because, while Christmas is still about 4 weeks away there is really not all that much time left to get it all done.  In two weeks the family will be coming over for our semi-annual “tree trimming” party and in three weeks our friend “E” will be coming up for our own holiday visit and cookie baking marathon.

This leaves me less time than I might otherwise have to do everything that needs doing, especially as I will still be working my usual hours and running the kids back and forth to Tae Kwon Do.

But, it will all work out.  It always does.  Every year I work myself up into a fine panic and every year Xmas morning dawns and I have managed to get everything done.

So, ignore the craziness and stress-inspired rantings that I’m sure will be appearing here over the next couple of weeks and enjoy your own holiday season to the utmost.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:Christmas, holiday shopping, holidays, stress, Xmas

I have spent the bulk of my “homework time” in the past 2 days studying for my next unit test in Human Geography. I have taken page after page of typed notes on the Sub-Saharan Africa, Northern Africa, and Southwestern Asia. I have watched an hour of course video that is so packed with info (and annoyingly has a format that does not allow an effective pause) that I kept have to stop and add to my notes.

While I earned a “high B” on my last exam I am determined to earn a “solid A” on this one so that I can maintain my A average and hopefully leave this semester (from hell it is I tell you) with a 4.0.

I am about 97% done with my project in Computer Literacy project and am finding that my only stumbling block is tweaking a formula that (while provided by the instructor) doesn’t quite work 100%.

My goal is to wake up in the morning, watch another hour of video (while sipping coffee), and take the multiple choice portion of my exam. Then I plan to go through some of the topics highlighted in the unit overview for about an hour before starting the essay portion of the exam. While these tests are open-book/open-note they are strictly timed and so I have to be somewhat of a bitch when someone wants my attention during those times.

It never fails. No one talks to me or needs me for hours … but put me in front of my computer with a timer counting down the minutes remaining in my test and

• the kids will start screaming right outside the screen door to the backyard
• the kids will start asking me questions about lunch, snacks, or the nature of the Universe
• my father will decide its the right time for small talk
• my husband will want to engage me in conversation

Somehow all of them fail to notice

• the glazed (crazed?) look in my eye
• the frantic typing, textbook flipping and note reading
• the vague muttering to myself that erupts when writing an essay
• the hands making the universal waving gesture for “GO AWAY”

Additionally, my plans tomorrow (and late Sunday) include working on my Cultural Anthropology class. I need to fill out a study guide ….. and study it for an exam on Tuesday (I earned 100% on the previous exam). Additionally, I want to complete a reading assignment and typed Q&A to hand in and also start working on 2 short papers that are due in the upcoming weeks.

Color me Crazed

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:back in school, stress

After a very stressful, Freaky Friday, I am starting this week off on a positive foot by focusing on the small things that life worth living.

Facing a Monday morning can often be stressful, depressing, overwhelming, and any number of other draining, negative emotions. The battle to stay postive, focused, and on track looms ahead and the weekend seems far away.

What I try to do is focus on the small things, take life and each day a moment at a time. The small things I am noticing today:

Graditude that my sister is recovering from her head injury that happened on Friday (she fell in the bathroom and has a concussion). She is still experiencing some amnesia, and seems to think it is 10 years ago but she will recover and the doctors say the amnesia is not permanent. Little by little memories are coming back. When it first happened she didn’t remember any one expect our mom.

Morning snuggles with my daughter when I wake her up, packing her lunch with extra love, the kisses and hug goodbye as she leaves for the school bus and more kisses and hugs when we all get home together in the evening.

Grateful that what could have been a disaster was avoided yesterday. I was stopped at a red light about 4 or 5 cars from the light, the light changed green and everyone slowly started to inch forward. Just as I lifted my foot from the gas pedal, a man on a bike came out of no where on my left and darted in front of my car just as the car rolled ahead. Before I was even conscious of what had happened, my brain (thank goodness!) must have picked up the movement out of the corner of my eye and I had slammed my foot back on the brake. It was a split second incident that could have had a much different result. Fortunately, the biker was safe and I just shaken up a bit. I was close to home, and the rest of the way  drove slowly and extra carefully, and able to catch my mouth and stop my pounding heart with a few deep breaths.

I have a yummy new flavor of coffee creamor for my morning coffee, “cinnamon bun” – only 35 calories a serving. A little more then my usual version (sugar free french vanilla), but I decided to treat myself this week with a small bottle of the new flavor.

So even though Friday was an overwhelming stressful day at work, compounded by a computer that was acting up and causing the workload to back up even more, I am going into work this week with a positive attitude for two reasons. One, the work will get done eventually and tech help fixed my computer at the end of the day Friday. Two, stressing over work is a waste of energy, a lesson we all too often forget, but I was reminded of by the events of last Friday.

It’s a matter of perspective and takes a certain amount of determination to let go of worry, depression, stress – but it is so worth the effort. Sure there are circumstances that are beyond our control and times that are going to be overwhelming, and I’ve experienced days, weeks and sometimes years in those times of situations. But on an average day, when life really is just going along, it’s worth noticing the small things, opening your heart and mind to love, gratitude, joy, peace, happiness, and not letting the past or life’s obstacles steal the wonder of the moment and pleasure of enjoying the small things.

Bright Blessings, Lady Rose
(crossed posted on Diet Pulpit)

Written by Lady RoseTags:family, gratitude, life, positive thinking, stress

I have been blessed with lots of creative ideas, and recently the possibility of having at least one of those ideas actually making it out to the light of day and perhaps being published. I have a wonderful hubby, daughter and good friends, a great house, and a decent job.   For all of this and so much more, I give tremendous thanks and gratitude to the Goddess and Gods and all the higher powers.

 I just have one small request PLEASE grant me the patience to wait for plans to unfold, the wisdom to plan wisely and set my priorites, and the energy to get done all the things I need to get done.

I just finished up a big writing project and now it is out of my hands and will be a few months while my partner does his thing with editing, designing, promoting, etc.   Waiting has never been something I do well.   And of course these is no guarantee this project will get past this stage either.

I have a zillion things I want to do in the meantime – but very little technical skill to accomplish them, I want to improve the blogs I work on, get them moved to a dot com, I want to get the many designs in my head done but no skill or knowledge for using paintshop pro.     It is very frustrating knowing it is just a lack of knowledge that is in the way, but taking classes in these areas is expensive.  For example, it is almost $300 at the community college to learn paintshop pro, that much for a hobby to create designs seems a little too much for me right now.   Paying to have a blog moved to a dot com (starting price for a professional to move it is over $2000) is just not feasible.   

Time is another frustration.  Working full time leaves little time for anything else.  I have to work – we all do.  But there are a few really awesome business things I’d love to get into – but no experience, past failures, etc. and of course the biggest obstacles no access to several thousand dollars to start up a business and pay the bills while starting up.   Sometimes I think having a lot creative ideas is more of a curse then a blessing – it’s like having your nose pressed up against the bakery window but you can never buy anything in there.    

And of course there is the old everyday stresses I haven’t managed to conquer yet – the biggest being the house – I have a house so full of junk I can barely move.  FINALLY after five years hubby was ready to go out and get a big shed (that I have begged for since we moved here) so we could start sorting and making room.  But   *sigh*   we just found out we have to have a survey done first (cost several hundred dollars), then even if we do that and get the permit from the township, and buy a shed, we could NOT find any store any where that provided a service to actually put the shed together.  They are too big for one person do it, it is at least a three person job.  So the $800 shed will actually cost almost $2000 or more and is way more involved then I think we can handle.    I am so disappointed and stressed.    I can not move in this house – we have no basement, no attic, no storage space at all.    The garage is floor to ceiling packed full of boxes since the day we moved in.   All I want is a place to store the bike, xmas tree, other holiday decorations, the grill, and a few other basics – that way I can then make a little room to start sorting and tossing out JUNK.   Because we have no storage, after five years here every available nook and cranny is jammed because it was never organized from the start.    When I do get to some cabinets or a room — within a couple of weeks it is totally in choas again, so I have given up.   But the stress is really starting to get to me.

So on the one hand I have all this great creative stuff in my head and possibilities looming in the future – and I find myself stressing and of course the old tapes running in my head that I’ve failed before so don’t expect any thing to happen this time (I have actually written two other books in the past – the first one was taken and never returned (but the woman never did anything with it though), the second I spent years of my life on, but the project was a deadend) – so this third attempt is exciting and promising, but no guarantees either.

On the other hand – the usual stresses of lack of money, lack of time, overwhelming clutter, and a job though decent is driving me insane with their stupidity and stress. 

So I am doing my best to keep things in perspective, stay positive, keep my priorities focused, and to be patient.    

I told hubby NO more plans for the rest of the summer – every single weekend for two month has been packed (I can’t stand it!) and with the two weekends in August I have free I am going to SORT — I am going to some how scrape together enough cash for that shed no matter what it takes though probably not till next summer.   I am going to constantly reign in my creative ideas and try to ignore most of them, and keep myself focused only on at most four or five priorites – since my health has to be one of those, it keeps the list very small.    Some how I have to get my self organized and find a plan to get things done which means eliminating a lot of what I’d like to be doing instead.  

So for now that is my goal – get my life into some kind of order, wait patiently to see how the writing project turns out, and not scattering my energy all over the place trying to do other creative things that are just frustrating me because I have no means of doing them.    Oh yeah, and lose another 60 lbs on top of that. 

The rest of this summer is going to be sorting, reading Harry Potter, and continuing to get healthy!    That should be plenty to keep me busy.  Everything else has to wait till I retire (except the taxes which still need to get done!).

Bright Blessings, Lady Rose

Update:  Organized Home – great resource online, I especially love their household  notebook idea and they have pages to print out to get you started.   (Thank you so much bekabug for suggesting this site.)     (Another site that is helpful is Fly Lady)

Written by Lady RoseTags:goals, organizing, sorting junk, stress

This time with the depression I’m not trying to get myself to “feel” better — I’m trying to just go with it and being gentle with myself.  I am trying to just accept that “feelings” ebb and flow, and that actually not being happy is just a normal state of being.  It seems to be helping to keep the depression at a steady level, rather then fighting it and getting worse because I feel guilty and stressed cause I can’t “feel better” for right now. 

Yesterday school started, only a half day (till 1:15) and the before and after school care program didn’t start on the first day – so rather then stress about it and try to cram in about 3 hours at work I decided to take the whole day off and just relax so I could take my daughter in after a nice lesiurely morning start and she had the afternoon to come home and enjoy with me.  I watched a ton of tv and ate what ever I wanted.  It was the first time I’ve been off my diet — but I decided to not beat myself over it, but give myself permission to have one day off and enjoy it (and today I’m back on track). 

I think I have a better handle on the depression now and what set it off - I think it’s mostly coming from feeling like a failure - now that summer is over and I didn’t get anything done that was on my list.  Plus the looming holidays coming up.  But I’m making my lists of things to do and reassuring myself I can still get a lot done and trying not to over stress myself my making unrealistic plans and time frames. 

Fall is always a rough emotional time for me — in the past I usually go off on crazy huge projects that go no where and waste a lot of money.   But the past couple years I have been able to keep things fairly small scale and this year I am NOT going to do anything – NO big projects at all - I plan on just focusing on the Harry Potter party next year (in May) and keeping a notebook of all my diet notes, recipes, ets. so that I keep busy without trying to find something NEW and exciting to accomplish with my life that never works out and gets dumped in the big pile of junk from past failures.

I did have one impluse buy on ebay — only $6.50 for sewing patterns to make dragons.  I thought ooooh cool — these would be great to make and sell at the Renaissance fairs, and would only need to carry big baskets (wouldn’t even need the cost of a booth).  Of course I don’t sew.  But Mama Kelly is planning to learn to sew, so even if I never use the patterns I am hoping it might be something she would enjoy trying out.

I also have a HUGE urge to get a psychic reading done by Slyvia Browne.  I saw her yesterday on the Montel show — but its extremely expensive ($750).  Who knows if she is actually legitmate – but she only allows ONE reading per person so that no one gets dependant on readings which I think is terrific.   I guess I feel that if I can finally find out what I was meant to do with my life I wouldn’t have these bouts of depression and wouldn’t feel like I’m a failure and haven’t accomplished anything yet because I’m still trying to find my “destiny.”   I just can’t see myself justifying that kind of money though – but it is very very very tempting – I know, however, the temptation is mostly coming from my depression right now so it is definitely not something I would actually do.

Bright blessings, Lady Rose

Written by Lady RoseTags:depression, stress