This will probably be a little hard to follow so bear with me.

The past few months I’ve been stressed beyond my max, more so than I have even blogged about.  I haven’t really been sleeping.  I’ve been emotional eating like mad, gaining about 20 lbs since August.  I’ve been irritable and anxious and sad and just not fun to be around.  I haven’t even been enjoying my own company.

Some of it came form the normal stresses associated with finances, and a teenager with emotional issues, and too close living quarters, and living with my father – in other words the usual stuff.  But, the bulk of it came from being shifted into a new department at my place of work.

Now, I work in a place that is appropriately nicknamed (at least in my house) as Hell.  As I have ranted about before I get no sick time, no vacation, no benefits to speak of and am regularly treated like shit stuck to someone’s shoe, if not by the people on the phone then by management itself.

The new department I was moved to “seemed” to be an answer to a prayer in the beginning.  There was commission.  We were pretty much left alone.  Numbers were good, so no one was complaining.  The extra money was nice.  I was still crazy, but my paycheck somewhat more closely resembled a livable wage and at least that was something in the way of compensation for my increasing emotional instability.  But, more recently things went downhill.

First commission was cut in half.  Then limits were put on how many “sales” per household.  Then, the results started to drop rapidly.

This past Monday I left work with only 3 sales (it earned me a whopping $10 extra in commission for the day),  a far cry from the 6 or 7 I was able to pull off per day (and an extra $50 or so) just a couple of weeks prior.  My frustration was exacerbated by some sniping from my manager when I asked for suggestions and support.

I left emotionally spent, angry, and a bit overwrought.  As I drove home I started to cry and asked the Gods to please. please get me out of that department.

Tuesday came and I worked hard at being peppier and cheerier only to get hang up after hang up and 1 sale all day for my trouble.  At 4pm our manager came over, told us to sign off, and announced that effective immediately our new department (only in existence since August) was dead and we were reassigned to other departments as of the following morning.

I was lucky in that I went back to my original department (others were moved into departments they might not have chosen otherwise).  Yes, it would’ve been nice to go into another commission based department (because now I’ve effectively lost about $4000 a year).  But, at least I am where I have consistently done well, where I have friends, where I know what to do and how to do it.  But, what worries me is that on top of having lost my commission, I may be at risk for a pay cut too.

Hourly wage where I work is based on a chart that is based on performance, a chart mind you that has never been adjusted for either inflation or the impact of the “do not call list” on our companies ability to produce said numbers. This pay scale is the same it was when I was hired 8 years ago.

It is based on a numeric formula of how many people show up (for these free chiropractic appointments we schedule all over the US) per every 4 hours you work.  That’s it.  Not how hard you work, not how reliable you are, not how long you have been there, or if you are cross-trained on multiple tasks.  Raises are only granted based on the chart, but can be denied at whim.  No one is given an annual review, never mind a cost of living increase, even as our health insurance premiums go up another 7.5% effective 12/1.

My hourly wage is based on my ability to “hold” a certain statistical average if you will.  Unfortunately, even though I didn’t leave the company, even though I was asked to move to this new department start-up, even though I was only gone a few months, I am being forced to start over with my stats like a new hire and “prove myself.”  The other tasks I am cross-trained for, one of which I used to be a team lead for and ran a Sunday shift for, I am disallowed until I “earn them back.”

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be that worried.  My stats had kept me in the “top 10″ in the department for over a year before I was moved.  But, historically this time of year is the positively worst time to try to build up your stats.  In fact, this time of year (between now and after New Year’s) is when stats have always been historically low.  And this time last year (yes right before the holidays) they were cutting pay.

And so I kill myself to be perky and professional and rebuttal my ass off and so far its working.  Its emotionally exhausting, but its working.  Tomorrow is a half day and then I am back to 39 hours a week cold calling.

Timed the way it has been I cannot help but look at this move as an answer to a prayer.  I am trying to trust that all will be well and that it will work out in the end, but it’s hard.

And so I return you a quieter than usual blog.  Although after this rant you’ll probably enjoy the alternative.  I beg your patience as I find my groove again at work.  I beg your patience while I work through ever increasing levels of anxiety and depression.  I beg your patience while I try to find solid footing which will allow me to make this blog a priority again in my life.

We will be back to your regularly scheduled pagan friendly programming eventually.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, job, work

Just a brief update ….

I was moved to another department at work and, frankly, I am loathing it.  While my previous position involved maybe 50% of my time each week doing cold-calling and the remainder on confirming and rescheduling appointments, my new position is 100% cold-calling.  Additionally it is more sales oriented which requires me to be more pushy – not something I am particularly good at despite my ability in telemarketing.  And then there’s the aspect of having a touch of moral ambiguity about what we are pushing to begin with.

There are positives, or more accurately the potential for them.  The main one being that if this works out that I can be looking at bonuses and comission on top of my current hourly wage.  My husband insists that as they will be looking for a supervisor for this department as time goes on that I’d be “perfect” in that capacity.  But, right now things are very disorganized and I feel as if I lack the tools to do the job.  If I worked for a “real company” I wouldn’t be so stressed about it.  Unfortunately, my company has a history of having unrealistic expectations, giving no support, and then punishing the worker for failing to excel.  One shining example of this is that most mornings you will see people hunting to find a phone … again we are a telemarketing company, doesn’t logic dictate that every desk should have a phone?

Right now, the stress involved in all of this is frankly robbing me of any kind of inspiration to do anything at all.  I’ve spent both evenings so far this week mindlessly surfing the internet while half-watching television, that is when I’m not researching said new project to try and give myself the tools my employer has failed to.  Needless to say, I feel another blogging slump coming on; but, I shall try very hard to keep your regularly schedule programming fresh and up to date.

Anyway, enough about me.

Lady Rose is continuing to do well.  The side effects from the complications she suffered are fading and she has finally gotten rid of the fluid she was initially retaining.  She was even feeling well enough to plan a trip out to her local health food store to pick up some items for the weeks ahead.  I encourage you to go over to her other blog and leave words of encouragement.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:job, telemarketing, work

It has been a stressful week.  Work has been most of the cause of my increased anxiety, restless nights and the moments of bursting into tears without any provocation.

A couple of days ago I posted a tarot reading I did in answer to the question of what was standing in the way of my dreams.  If you asked me that question today I would tell you that among all the hindrances and stumbling blocks on my path, my job is probably foremost among them.

Telemarketing is a rough job if you work for the best of companies.  It is stressful, and mind-numbingly boring.  However, if you also work for my company it is belittleing and soul-sucking as well.

The last few weeks have been the worst of my entire time there (more than 7 years).  While last year saw the death of overtime and earlier this year saw the end of a side project that nicely took its place financially, while paycuts have been happening for almost a year (some people have lost $4 an hour), now they are sending people home right and left for “low production.”  Last week I lost 2 hours pay and this week I only made my whole 40 hours by “making up” my hours by staying late on Friday.

And even when I get all my hours, the stress of the job and the environment leads me to come home from work with no energy to do anything.  I am spent!  I can’t seem to motivate myself to do ritual, to work on article and book ideas that are simmering, to clean, to cook, to even play with my girls.  It is probably, aside from the weight of debt we carry, the biggest cause for the bone-crushing depression (and anxiety.. and fatigue) that has led to much of the stagnation I am coping with.

While I still intend to finish obtaining a 2 year degree, before returning to school I need to find a better job.  One that provides luxuries such as a living wage, paid time off, and insurance premiums that don’t make we wonder how much I can get for the gold jewelry I no longer wear.  While I still dream of making my living as a Witch (by writing, by having more time to work on this blog, by making items I can sell via places such as zazzle and etsy) first I need to have a job that I do not spend eight hours a day wondering when and if I am going to be sent home early and if so how the heck I’m going to make up the time.

So that is my current goal.  Find a better job in an economy that doesn’t have a lot of jobs to go around.  It will take luck, it will take energy, it will take a really kick ass resume (that luckily I have multiple friends offering to help me with) and it will take courage to go out of my comfort zone and take a risk.

Because, as my tarot reading reminded me … just because there is a level of comfort in “the hell I know” it is still time, long past it in fact, to take risks and try my luck again and trust that I can find something better out there.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:job hunting, work

Not much has been going on this week and my thoughts are dark and dismal as a result.  Putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) results in a stream of compaints and curmudgeoning.

Some of this is a result of my feeling overwhelmed in general, some of this is realted to issues stemming from my husband’s chronic pain, some of this is a result of Miss Artistic’s homework issues.  Overall I am just sad, weary, and frankly often angry.

I am grateful for the upcoming “spring break” which means that I have a week without screaming about homework and that I can sneak in maybe an extra 15 minutes of sleep in the morning.

That’s it in a nutshell.  I am off to the workplace that we affectionately refer to as HELL.  It’s be funny if it wasn’t such an accurate description.  I am soooooo tired though.  The bright spot of my day is knowing that in an hour I will be sipping my WaWa coffee.

Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:depression, exhaustion, fatigue, life, personal, work

As I’ve recently posted I am returning to college in hopes of eventually earning an education degree and starting a career. If only I had listened to my elders and earned that degree while I was still young and “free” but better late than never eh?

I am now in my late 30s. I have a husband who is on permanent disability, a daughter in middle school and another in grammar school. We own a rental propery but live with my father. I have a shitty job where it takes 25 hours of work just to pay my insurace premium and I try to work 40-47 hours every week so that I have a paycheck that amounts to something when that is done.

I have homework to check every night and (now) schoolwork of my own to do. I have to find time for quality time with my girls and my husband and PopPop expects a sitdown family dinner every night. Needless to say that time is a precious commodity for me.

This Blog is a huge part of my life and I gladly devote hours a week to it, mainly achieved by blogging while I sit and watch TV in the evenings with Hubby with makes our quality time sort of “demented and sad” albeit still “social”.

While not much will change at first, as I am only going to school one night a week this semester I HAVE to get myself organized by the time the summer semester starts or things will quickly fall between the cracks.

The house has to get organized – cleaned top to bottom; weeding out possessions to either sell, donate or (if need be) rent storage for.

The older child needs to get a list of chores – to be financially compensated for of course – so that things like sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, etc etc etc can be done for me.

The younger child will also have chores, more suitable for her age, which will probably make her the Queen of Clutter control. LOL

And me? I’m going to have to budget my time very carefully to avoid insanity.

One of the things I will need to do is to have one night a week where I write blog posts ahead of time. I will probably write one personal blog entry a week to keep you all up to date with life, children, work, school, and what not. One main advange of this will be that there will continue to be fresh content daily, but more of it will have a Pagan focus.

I will also have to delegate one day a week where I visit everybody’s blogs to read and to comment; take care of any new traffic generation (joining blogrolls, submitting rss feeds, etc.); and to catch up on all blog related e-mails.

It will be a struggle to work 47 hours a week and to go to school, to manage a home and parenthood and marriage, to still find time to be somewhat social and see irl friends such as Lady Rose, to read good books and watch TV with the man I love. And while I fully expect the next few years to be hell on wheels I know in my heart that I am on the right path and that it will, in the end, be very much worth it.

May All Your Own Dreams Come True
Blessings

Mama Kelly

Written by Mama KellyTags:life, school, work