For a long time now … longer than I like to admit … I have been dealing with feeling lost and adrift. I’ve tried many times to describe it to my hubby, to friends, and even here on the blog.
The best I’ve been able to do so far is to give the image of a person on a boat in the middle of a perfectly still lake. There are no oars, no land in sight, and no indicators or how far off land is or which is the best way to go. Staying in the boat doesn’t get you anywhere, but at least you don’t drown.
A few nights ago I had a dream which I think actually describes how I feel more accurately.
I was running to catch a bus to get me to school and “just missed it”. The problem was there was no other bus coming, I didn’t know the name of the school or where it was so I just started walking and hoped I’d wind up in the right place.
Upon waking, I spent about 30 minutes sipping coffee before heading out to work mulling it over and I came to some conclusions.
Basically it sums up how I feel. I feel like there is someplace I’m supposed to be, something I’m supposed to be doing, but I don’t know where or what or how. And, the big, scary, large elephant in the room you try not to notice kinda thing is that I DO feel like I may have already missed the bus. That it may be too late. That I’ve missed my chance my shot and that all hope is lost.
For the past several years I’ve “just been walking”. On the plus side, no matter what life and circumstance has thrown at me I keep putting one foot in front of the other. But, I’m not getting anywhere and I’m to the point of exhaustion with nothing to show for it. And by that I mean ME MYSELF my own PERSONAL PROGRESS.
YES I am lucky to be married to a man who is both my best friend AND someone I’ve been in love with since I was 16.
YES I am blessed with 2 gorgeous children who are beautiful and brilliant and loving.
YES I have a roof over my head and clothes on my back.
But the ME I was is shoved in the back of a broom closet, the LIFE I yearn for is seemingly out of reach.
So, while none of these realizations were particularly upbeat, I am so happy it was not a day that I wake up at 6am or I’m certain I would’ve forgotten it entirely.
Anyway ….
I have decided after much dither and internal debate that the time has come to do a spell.
I rarely do spellwork. Mainly because I have found from experience that you need to be extremely careful to be extremely specific or you just wind up with a whole lot of chaos. And while chaos does count as change, it isn’t necessarily an improvement. The last thing I need right now is more chaos.
So far what I’m planning is essentially an elaborate candle spell, the main purpose of which is to help me regain my true self and to find my way back to my true path.
The spell thus far
A candle to represent myself marked with runes/symbols of transformation.
5 candles each representing a desire under the headings of spirit, intellect, emotion, physical, and passion/will to correlate to the 5 elements
A white candle to light the path to follow
A black candle to banish barriers in my path
The various utterances with the lighting of each candle will be summarized into one prayer which I will use at the end of the spell to raise power and as a daily prayer to keep my goals/desires on track.
I also plan to reconsecrate a piece of jewelry during the ritual as a tangible focus.
I’ve already started writing and have pretty much decided on New Year’s eve for the casting. Not only is the timing appropriate because of the shift in the calendar year, but it falls on a Sunday which being ruled by the Sun which is a good choice for spells relating to “power”. Additionally, it is only 3 days before the Full Moon!!!!
Hubby and I always stay home that night anyway. I can cast the spell around 11:00PM so that the kids will be in bed, as will my father, and be ready to bring in the New Year by kissing hubby as the ball falls with hopefully a lighter heart.
I will keep you all posted.
Blessings
Mama Kelly
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